This isn’t your typical holiday cheery post. I wanted to warn you in case that’s what you were hoping for. I’ve been having a hard time lately. Just being honest. I’ve been refraining from writing about it because that would make it all real. But this is where I’m at right now and my hope is that six months from now I can refer back and say, look at how far I’ve come. Felicity is five months old now and ever changing. I have some great days full of baby snuggles, gift wrapping and Christmas music playing throughout our home. Nights where we’re all giggling over Felicity splashing in the tub, when I can’t believe someone so sweet came from me. She goes to bed without a fight and Brandon and I share a bowl of popcorn while we catch up on a show.
But there’ve also been a lot of fussy days where Felicity power naps all day, waking from her nap screaming just as I sit down to read or write. Those days I feel lonely, isolated and tired. The abrupt interruptions have gotten to my nerves. I recently found an old knitting project locked up in the closet. I picked up the needles and let the yarn slip through my fingers. I thought back to my old self who meal prepped, made homemade ice cream, knit over the weekend just for fun. I remembered a mom from my new mom’s group who’s baby was around 5 months at the time when she said she looked at herself in the mirror and didn’t even know who she was anymore. I feel like that some days. Like I don’t even know what I find enjoyable anymore. I’m so hyper focused on caring for my baby it’s hard to remember I have my own needs. And not just needs but my own wants. Every night I tell myself I’ll get to bed early and every night those hours between Felicity’s bedtime and my bedtime speed by. It feels like someone found where I had my dominos line and knocked them all down.
I’m writing this out because I’m trying to make sense of it all. I had a rough week a couple weeks ago and found that I needed to reach out to some friends more. I needed to pop worship music in my earbuds and breath through my days. I visited one of the moms I used to nanny for and she encouraged me that everything comes in phases. It felt good to be around another mama. Teddy broke an ornament while Felicity and I were over. He threw pillows off the couch and jumped around. Felicity is at a great age for watching little ones play. I decided I was being dramatic after all and needed to remember that Felicity isn’t all over the place just yet and I have it pretty good right now.
One friend came over to have lunch and spend time with us.
Another friend stopped by with a coffee for me and stayed to chat while I folded Felicity’s laundry.
Another friend came to entertain Felicity while I cleaned up around the house. I had no idea how depleted Brandon’s and my energy was until I saw hers.
My sister has listened to me countless times over the phone crying, worn out, frustrated, feeling guilty. She’s listened, she’s understood, never judged and she’s literally had a story of her own that exactly matches whatever I’m going through.
One friend sent me a long text telling me that she knew in my heart I wanted to be a stay at home mom but that doesn’t mean I can’t struggle. She told me it was ok to have bad days. That’s what I cling to when I find that Felicity and I are off rhythm. It’s ok to have a bad day. That doesn’t mean I’m a bad mom. It’s ok to have cereal for dinner. That doesn’t mean I’m a bad wife. It’s ok to have a bad day but it’s not ok to stay there. Every day I’m giving my best and I have to believe that God’s grace takes care of the rest.
Felicity is a beautiful happy girl. We love her immensely. As one mama friend reminded me this week, I’ll never have this time back. I don’t want to waste it feeling anxiety over what kind of a day or night we’re going to have. We’re going to have bad ones sometimes. We’re going to wake up twice a night sometimes because we prayed for this little miracle and that’s what she does.
We’re going to visit family for Christmas next week and I think that’ll be good for my heart and my headspace. Hopefully Brandon and I can recharge and soak up every bit of joy this season brings.
Merry Christmas to you and yours ♥