Motherhood Right Now

This morning I watched the pink morning light peeking through our window fade to orange. Felicity lay in her cradle arms up bent at the elbows.  She’s sound asleep.

I can’t stop looking at her. I can’t put her down even though I know I need rest too. And for the life of me I can not stop this bucket of tears from pouring down my cheeks.

Milk stains on my tanks and endless dirty diapers. This first week of motherhood has been indescribably sweet and full of emotion.  

We had our 48 hour visit at Baby & Co. Where both Felicity and I were checked on.

We’ve also been to the pediatrician twice now to monitor her weight and bilirubin levels.

Aside from needing a little natural sunlight Felicity remains healthy and is only 5 oz away from her birth weight. I’m doing well overall too. I just can’t shake this emotional roller coaster that’s hit me lately. I’m a weepy puddly mess.

I’m suddenly terrified of losing Brandon. More than ever before. Finding myself in constant prayer for his protection and Felicity’s. I can’t hold either of them close enough. Feeling the sands of time slipping through my fingertips with each hug, kiss and snuggle. 

There’s nothing I can do to stop our sweet moments and live in them forever and it’s eating me up inside.

Felicity is an absolute sweetheart. Her eyes grow heavy when I run my fingers through her hair while she nurses. She calms her tired cries when I hold her close whispering softly to her “Mama’s here. Mama will hold you close so you can rest baby. It’s ok to take a little rest. Mama will be right here when you wake up.”

I’ve never felt a more intense feeling than soothing my own baby with my voice. I have no idea how to describe that feeling because it’s just that, a feeling.

Tears tears tears. Not because I’m sad. Not because I’m angry or frustrated. Tears because I know my hormones have to be all over the map. Tears because I’m tired. Tears because my body is recovering. Tears because sometimes such intense love requires them. Tears because no matter how much I’ve stayed present in every moment of my daughter’s life so far, she is growing. As God designed her she is growing older and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Felicity turned one week old the day I turned 27. We’re aging. Time is soaring faster for me than ever before.

This is what life is and it’s never felt more real to me as it does now.