Archive of ‘Confessions’ category

My Dandelion

By Natalie

I pulled my coffee out from under the espresso machine and poured some milk in the glass. My iced latte swirled into a caramel color. A loud thud vibrated above me. It was the glorious hour of quiet time where I could sit with my second cup of coffee of the day and have a moment to myself while Lici played in her room. Though it was quiet time, she still can’t help but jump around. I went upstairs and opened Lici’s door. She laid on the floor legs up and made eye contact with me upside down. “Hey mama.” she said.

“Are you alright?” I asked.

“Oh yea, I was just being a jaguar catching a crocodile.” She curled her fingers as if they were jaguar claws.

“I see.” I nodded. “Well it is quiet time, so rest your body if you’re feeling sleepy.” I told her. She giggled and said, “Ok.”  (more…)


Christmas Celebrations

By Natalie

Something rolled out from the clothes that I was folding. I turned to find a letter X bead lying on the floor. It stared back at me beaming. I knelt down to pick up this little treasure. This little bead rolling out of my laundry.. it took me straight to yesterday morning when Felicity and I were making necklaces together with a kit she got for her birthday. She loads up letters and shapes onto the string in no particular order. Brandon and I wear them around the house. Sometimes Bingley even has one around his neck. The bead. These small reminders that I’m a mother. The candy cane jammies that I folded and set on the washing machine. The dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. The unicorn water cup that never seems to make it back to the table. The toys that are pushed to the edge of the playroom so that she and her daddy can play Saratops which is basically a very silly dinosaur head fight on all fours. The toy horse that she’s always looking for that I found in a basket. The pink towel that was draped over the banister upstairs. I tidy up, put the letter X bead back in the kit, fold her towel and set it back on her towel rack. Motherhood. (more…)

Lux Sensory Right Now

By Natalie


This has been a wild year. At the beginning of March I started my shop Lux Sensory with a love for children and a passion for creating. Brandon and I have always believed that we were born to create. He’s always said that creating brings us closer to our creator. Building things, forming things, making things, putting something out into the world that had not existed before is at the core of our being. I love to create all sorts of things. I’m a seasonal knitter, occasional embroiderer, Christmastime sugar scrub maker and all around as my bio states lover of all things crafty. (more…)

Life Lately

By Natalie

Felicity started preschool three mornings a week. She’s eager to learn and we can tell that time away from us is so essential for her growth. When her preschool was looking for extra teachers I decided to apply. I thought that keeping busy while she was away would be a good thing. But after a few days I wasn’t completely at peace with it. When I talked to a friend about it I realized that I was in a sense of denial over the fact that my little girl didn’t need me those mornings and I thought that I’d be cradling another little baby by the time she went to preschool. I needed to feel needed. For the past 7 years there have been kiddos in my care that needed me. My friend encouraged me to be still and find where God was leading me during this time before I forced myself into something that I wasn’t prepared for. (more…)

Falling In Love with Time

By Natalie

Brandon and I drove down the streets of NoDa, pulling in to Benny’s pizza. We ordered one giant slice of pepperoni pizza for each of us on a disproportionately small paper plate. Pam and Nate walked in behind us. We greeted, we laughed, we sat and ate together during a summer that feels like it was a lifetime ago. When we finished our pizzas Brandon and Nate drove over to Abari to play arcade games. Pam and I went back to their place in first ward to knit together and watch a show we’d binge every Wednesday night. For about a solid year we’d do this same routine, every Wednesday night. After landing in Charlotte 2 years prior we’d finally found our community and had made solid friends that we were doing life with. Our time together was golden and it felt like it’d last forever. In the midst of weekly routines like this one you never think about when it’s going to end, until one day it inevitably does and you long for it in a grievous way that you long for times that you know you can never get back. (more…)

An Open Letter to My Womb

By Natalie

Dear womb,

I suppose you’re not completely hopeless for you have carried a child once. Though I don’t know that you had much say in the matter, knowing Felicity’s wild spirit, she was making it to this earth one way or another. The little egg that could we sometimes call her. But I think our adventures together may have ended with Felicity. For a time after she was born I felt a great ache in you. I wanted you filled back up. I begged you to cooperate. I wept over my tiny little infant Felicity and I can’t help but wonder if it’s because somewhere deep down I felt that she would be my only newborn. I watched in envy as my friend’s bellies swelled. Their wombs cooperating with them quite nicely. When they wanted babies, they got babies. When I wanted babies I got blood draws, medication, mood swings, anger and sorrow. You dear womb, you’re a stubborn one. You don’t like to be bothered or poked or prodded and to be honest I didn’t either. (more…)

Life Lately

By Natalie

Brandon and I can officially say we’ve been married for a decade on Saturday! We grew up together, built a life, went through some hard stuff, good stuff, grew a family and we continue to grow together and be blessed by our marriage daily. We celebrated a month early and went to Mt. Jackson VA for a cozy cabin retreat. For the first time ever we both separated from our dear girl for 3 restful nights! She had a blast with her Nana and Grandpa. We’re so grateful that we had this opportunity to sneak away and give the Poes some quality Felicity time. Her cousins came over after her nap each day to play. I know that she cherished that time together because the next couple weeks after we got home, when I lay her down for her nap she’d say, “Aunt Ashley, Mason and Everett coming?” (more…)

2020: A Debrief

By Natalie

Is it too late to share a Christmas photo? We’ve had a slow start to our new year which has been a lovely way to start fresh. Last year we experienced our own set of hardship and grief for experiences lost. But by this point we’ve created a new normal, incorporating some new routines that have helped keep us going. This post I suppose is somewhat of a debrief. (more…)

Naivety

By Natalie

One Sunday morning at church, just before we were thinking about trying to have children, I watched a woman in a video voice her pain. The video highlighted people’s struggles and how the community they received from church helped through the hard times. Standing next to her husband she spoke about how they had been trying to conceive their second child for over a year. I remember thinking, “At least you already have a child.” I was so dead wrong. We’re always a little naive about the things we have no experience with.

The love you have for one child does not consume the love you desire for another. After over a year of trying to conceive our second child I still feel like a family member is missing, just as I did with Felicity. If anything I know much more so what is missing now. Here I am in that woman’s shoes. Over one year in, with secondary infertility. (more…)

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