In the spring of 2016 Brandon came home not himself. I was busy with something that day not quite paying attention to the worry he’d brought home with him. Like an extra backpack he carried a weight he attempted to describe to me. But as I said I was busy, flustered by my own agenda I brushed off his concern. I wish I could go back to the Natalie in that moment to place my hands on her shoulders and say, “Stop what you’re doing, he needs you right now.” I wish I could have told myself to look in his eyes to recognize the defeat he felt and held him in that moment to tell him it was all going to be ok. But like all regrets in life we can’t change our actions, we can only allow them to teach us to be present in every moment. You’ll never know how big of a deal some conversations can be. (more…)
Archive of ‘Confessions’ category
I’m not sure where to begin with this story because it’s such an important one and I want to make sure that I voice it correctly this time. The details of the event were simple. Brandon and I were gardening in our new front yard. Samson laid a few feet in front of us hooked up to his tie out. In the distance I saw an older couple walking their two small dogs. I thought for a split second to step on Samson’s leash or voice to Brandon that maybe he should hang on to him while the couple passed. We’d adopted him only a month prior, before that he’d been a stray. We simply didn’t know his true temperament yet nor his strength. (more…)
My time at the courthouse was particularly uneventful. It felt mostly like being on a very long train ride. I was first summoned to appear in January. I’d asked to be deferred or excused stating that I was a stay at home mom with a baby who was still nursing. They said they offered day care and provided a lactation room. We could have my service deferred if needed. (more…)
Today we had to say goodbye. We visited the place where you were born and had to walk away just the same. It didn’t make too much of a difference to you but it was bittersweet for me. My heart holds on to things, unable to let them go. Today I’m grieving the loss of this birth center. Walking into the farewell party felt warm, felt like home, surrounded by dozens of women who shared in the same care that I did. Dozens of babies your age and younger crawled and played across the floor. (more…)
She won’t remember these days but I will.
When the sun begins to rise we pop open the blinds, Felicity in my arms. A ritual we do every morning for our houseplants to get some sunlight. Sometimes we squint our eyes and I talk about how bright it is. Sometimes it’s cloudy and I tell her it looks like it’ll rain today.
I set her down in her walker. She presses the music button as I kiss her head. My hand runs through the hair on the back of her head and I think to myself how much I love her. She straightens her legs out, confidently running across the kitchen.
Dear Baby and Co,
I’m devastated by the news of your closing.
On July 3, 2018 I labored at home for nine hours, then walked through the doors of the Charlotte center, my belly swollen and round. Women I came to know over the past several months greeted me excitedly. I didn’t think I could do it. In that moment I thought laboring in a birth center was certainly my worst idea yet. (more…)
This isn’t your typical holiday cheery post. I wanted to warn you in case that’s what you were hoping for. I’ve been having a hard time lately. Just being honest. I’ve been refraining from writing about it because that would make it all real. But this is where I’m at right now and my hope is that six months from now I can refer back and say, look at how far I’ve come. Felicity is five months old now and ever changing. I have some great days full of baby snuggles, gift wrapping and Christmas music playing throughout our home. Nights where we’re all giggling over Felicity splashing in the tub, when I can’t believe someone so sweet came from me. She goes to bed without a fight and Brandon and I share a bowl of popcorn while we catch up on a show. (more…)
To you it’s just a lotion but to me it’s so much more. I’m finding that happiness in parenthood can come from indulging in the simplest pleasures. No we’re not taking any big trips in the near future but that doesn’t mean we can’t buy a whole pack of Biscoff cookies for our morning coffee. It makes me feel like we’re adventuring. Like we’re on a plane and the stewardess has just asked me if I’d like a pillow. Biscotti works too. We’ve been crazy about coffee lately. And anything that goes with coffee. You know, like coffee and coffee and pour me another cup of coffee already please. Our espresso machine is on the fritz. We’re dabbling with the idea of investing in a heavy duty one. One that can handle these first few years of our parenthood.
Some days I have it all together and some days I’m not out of my pajamas until a little before noon. Felicity and I have been getting out more which has been great but the more I try to do the more my mom brain gets the best of me. Frankly I always found it ridiculous when people talked about pregnancy brain or mom brain. It always sounded like a sorry excuse for forgetfulness to me. That was until I went to the store recently to buy a vacuum and realized I left my wallet in my purse at home. I forgot to toss it in the diaper bag for this trip. I turned the cart around, put Felicity in the car and cried. Normal.
We ran back home to grab my wallet and back out to get the vacuum. But you didn’t come here to listen to me ramble about my new vacuum. You came here for Felicity updates didn’t you? It’s ok you can be honest. (more…)
Now seems as good a time as any for a recap on the last couple months. I’m writing this at the birth center, where we will be welcoming our little girl, having my blood drawn four times over the course of 3 hours for a more conclusive glucose test. Luckily for me I get to pass this time in a more private lounge space on a comfortable couch surrounded by the sound of midwives clicking their sandals down the hallways.
This is what I’ve hoped for when deciding where we would give birth. A place that feels like home surrounded by encouraging women who’s job is to do nothing more than empower the mother I am becoming and create community amongst all us new parents. We’ve been educated here and had the opportunity to share our hopes and fears with others who are due around the same time that we are. It’s provided such comfort as we near the end of this pregnancy.
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