I lay the little girl down in her crib, my hair hanging over the rails. “Get some rest.” I tell her as I tuck the blankets in around her small body. I shut her door and make my way down the stairs. The dog follows me, then the cat, our ten legs all creaking down the steps. I clear the last of the lunch dishes, clean the cat’s litter, refill the water bowl, make a pot of coffee, check the front door for packages I may have forgotten about only to find a gift left by our realtor. Inside is a balsam fir candle and a Christmas card of her family. The back reads, “Felicity must be enjoying this time of year.” (more…)
Archive of ‘Confessions’ category
Hello baby in overalls. (more…)
We adopted a cat a couple of months ago. We named her Zelda because she’s a total princess. We’ve always longed for more pets. The question was never if it was always when and which one. On our search this summer we endured a peculiar trip to the pound, shut in a room with a couple of different cats that just didn’t feel right for our family. We also met a sweet high energy dog who probably would have liked Bingley until he tired out. We weren’t sure if she’d be helpful to entertain Bingley or if she’d just add more chaos than we needed. Ultimately we couldn’t get a good read on how she felt about Felicity. Then we met Zelda at an adoption event. Her foster mom said that she was the snuggliest of all her cats. She was exactly what we were looking for. She’s purring and curled up on my lap this very moment. (more…)
In the spring of 2016 Brandon came home not himself. I was busy with something that day not quite paying attention to the worry he’d brought home with him. Like an extra backpack he carried a weight he attempted to describe to me. But as I said I was busy, flustered by my own agenda I brushed off his concern. I wish I could go back to the Natalie in that moment to place my hands on her shoulders and say, “Stop what you’re doing, he needs you right now.” I wish I could have told myself to look in his eyes to recognize the defeat he felt and held him in that moment to tell him it was all going to be ok. But like all regrets in life we can’t change our actions, we can only allow them to teach us to be present in every moment. You’ll never know how big of a deal some conversations can be. (more…)
I’m not sure where to begin with this story because it’s such an important one and I want to make sure that I voice it correctly this time. The details of the event were simple. Brandon and I were gardening in our new front yard. Samson laid a few feet in front of us hooked up to his tie out. In the distance I saw an older couple walking their two small dogs. I thought for a split second to step on Samson’s leash or voice to Brandon that maybe he should hang on to him while the couple passed. We’d adopted him only a month prior, before that he’d been a stray. We simply didn’t know his true temperament yet nor his strength. (more…)
My time at the courthouse was particularly uneventful. It felt mostly like being on a very long train ride. I was first summoned to appear in January. I’d asked to be deferred or excused stating that I was a stay at home mom with a baby who was still nursing. They said they offered day care and provided a lactation room. We could have my service deferred if needed. (more…)
Today we had to say goodbye. We visited the place where you were born and had to walk away just the same. It didn’t make too much of a difference to you but it was bittersweet for me. My heart holds on to things, unable to let them go. Today I’m grieving the loss of this birth center. Walking into the farewell party felt warm, felt like home, surrounded by dozens of women who shared in the same care that I did. Dozens of babies your age and younger crawled and played across the floor. (more…)
She won’t remember these days but I will.
When the sun begins to rise we pop open the blinds, Felicity in my arms. A ritual we do every morning for our houseplants to get some sunlight. Sometimes we squint our eyes and I talk about how bright it is. Sometimes it’s cloudy and I tell her it looks like it’ll rain today.
I set her down in her walker. She presses the music button as I kiss her head. My hand runs through the hair on the back of her head and I think to myself how much I love her. She straightens her legs out, confidently running across the kitchen.
Dear Baby and Co,
I’m devastated by the news of your closing.
On July 3, 2018 I labored at home for nine hours, then walked through the doors of the Charlotte center, my belly swollen and round. Women I came to know over the past several months greeted me excitedly. I didn’t think I could do it. In that moment I thought laboring in a birth center was certainly my worst idea yet. (more…)
This isn’t your typical holiday cheery post. I wanted to warn you in case that’s what you were hoping for. I’ve been having a hard time lately. Just being honest. I’ve been refraining from writing about it because that would make it all real. But this is where I’m at right now and my hope is that six months from now I can refer back and say, look at how far I’ve come. Felicity is five months old now and ever changing. I have some great days full of baby snuggles, gift wrapping and Christmas music playing throughout our home. Nights where we’re all giggling over Felicity splashing in the tub, when I can’t believe someone so sweet came from me. She goes to bed without a fight and Brandon and I share a bowl of popcorn while we catch up on a show. (more…)
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