Felicity started preschool three mornings a week. She’s eager to learn and we can tell that time away from us is so essential for her growth. When her preschool was looking for extra teachers I decided to apply. I thought that keeping busy while she was away would be a good thing. But after a few days I wasn’t completely at peace with it. When I talked to a friend about it I realized that I was in a sense of denial over the fact that my little girl didn’t need me those mornings and I thought that I’d be cradling another little baby by the time she went to preschool. I needed to feel needed. For the past 7 years there have been kiddos in my care that needed me. My friend encouraged me to be still and find where God was leading me during this time before I forced myself into something that I wasn’t prepared for. (more…)
Archive of ‘Confessions’ category
Brandon and I drove down the streets of NoDa, pulling in to Benny’s pizza. We ordered one giant slice of pepperoni pizza for each of us on a disproportionately small paper plate. Pam and Nate walked in behind us. We greeted, we laughed, we sat and ate together during a summer that feels like it was a lifetime ago. When we finished our pizzas Brandon and Nate drove over to Abari to play arcade games. Pam and I went back to their place in first ward to knit together and watch a show we’d binge every Wednesday night. For about a solid year we’d do this same routine, every Wednesday night. After landing in Charlotte 2 years prior we’d finally found our community and had made solid friends that we were doing life with. Our time together was golden and it felt like it’d last forever. In the midst of weekly routines like this one you never think about when it’s going to end, until one day it inevitably does and you long for it in a grievous way that you long for times that you know you can never get back. (more…)
I suppose you’re not completely hopeless for you have carried a child once. Though I don’t know that you had much say in the matter, knowing Felicity’s wild spirit, she was making it to this earth one way or another. The little egg that could we sometimes call her. But I think our adventures together may have ended with Felicity. For a time after she was born I felt a great ache in you. I wanted you filled back up. I begged you to cooperate. I wept over my tiny little infant Felicity and I can’t help but wonder if it’s because somewhere deep down I felt that she would be my only newborn. I watched in envy as my friend’s bellies swelled. Their wombs cooperating with them quite nicely. When they wanted babies, they got babies. When I wanted babies I got blood draws, medication, mood swings, anger and sorrow. You dear womb, you’re a stubborn one. You don’t like to be bothered or poked or prodded and to be honest I didn’t either. (more…)
Brandon and I can officially say we’ve been married for a decade on Saturday! We grew up together, built a life, went through some hard stuff, good stuff, grew a family and we continue to grow together and be blessed by our marriage daily. We celebrated a month early and went to Mt. Jackson VA for a cozy cabin retreat. For the first time ever we both separated from our dear girl for 3 restful nights! She had a blast with her Nana and Grandpa. We’re so grateful that we had this opportunity to sneak away and give the Poes some quality Felicity time. Her cousins came over after her nap each day to play. I know that she cherished that time together because the next couple weeks after we got home, when I lay her down for her nap she’d say, “Aunt Ashley, Mason and Everett coming?” (more…)
A poem for our beloved Riverbanks Zoo.
To the zoo with you, little girl that’s two.
To see lions and tigers as feisty as you. (more…)
Is it too late to share a Christmas photo? We’ve had a slow start to our new year which has been a lovely way to start fresh. Last year we experienced our own set of hardship and grief for experiences lost. But by this point we’ve created a new normal, incorporating some new routines that have helped keep us going. This post I suppose is somewhat of a debrief. (more…)
One Sunday morning at church, just before we were thinking about trying to have children, I watched a woman in a video voice her pain. The video highlighted people’s struggles and how the community they received from church helped through the hard times. Standing next to her husband she spoke about how they had been trying to conceive their second child for over a year. I remember thinking, “At least you already have a child.” I was so dead wrong. We’re always a little naive about the things we have no experience with.
The love you have for one child does not consume the love you desire for another. After over a year of trying to conceive our second child I still feel like a family member is missing, just as I did with Felicity. If anything I know much more so what is missing now. Here I am in that woman’s shoes. Over one year in, with secondary infertility. (more…)
During a time that feels so uncertain, I’d like to take a moment to talk about what is certain. When people can’t see eye to eye, when an invisible force sweeps through our world, taking lives with it, when we all want to be heard but can’t seem to get through to anyone… I want to say that God is still in control. Everything I do is within that framework. I try to do my part to keep my family safe, to educate myself as well as my daughter. Talk to my husband about the state of the world, our country, our community and keep an open line of communication with everyone I know to say I’m here and I hear you. Not being heard is a pain too great and I fear that with everyone screaming, no one is being heard. So I’m sitting here, quietly, in my community, in this space, saying I see you, I hear you, I hear your concerns, I may not understand, but I hear you. (more…)
Anyone else not know what to do with their kiddos and just letting them climb the cat tower? (more…)
I lay the little girl down in her crib, my hair hanging over the rails. “Get some rest.” I tell her as I tuck the blankets in around her small body. I shut her door and make my way down the stairs. The dog follows me, then the cat, our ten legs all creaking down the steps. I clear the last of the lunch dishes, clean the cat’s litter, refill the water bowl, make a pot of coffee, check the front door for packages I may have forgotten about only to find a gift left by our realtor. Inside is a balsam fir candle and a Christmas card of her family. The back reads, “Felicity must be enjoying this time of year.” (more…)
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