Archive of ‘Confessions’ category

2020: A Debrief

By Natalie

Is it too late to share a Christmas photo? We’ve had a slow start to our new year which has been a lovely way to start fresh. Last year we experienced our own set of hardship and grief for experiences lost. But by this point we’ve created a new normal, incorporating some new routines that have helped keep us going. This post I suppose is somewhat of a debrief. (more…)

Naivety

By Natalie

One Sunday morning at church, just before we were thinking about trying to have children, I watched a woman in a video voice her pain. The video highlighted people’s struggles and how the community they received from church helped through the hard times. Standing next to her husband she spoke about how they had been trying to conceive their second child for over a year. I remember thinking, “At least you already have a child.” I was so dead wrong. We’re always a little naive about the things we have no experience with.

The love you have for one child does not consume the love you desire for another. After over a year of trying to conceive our second child I still feel like a family member is missing, just as I did with Felicity. If anything I know much more so what is missing now. Here I am in that woman’s shoes. Over one year in, with secondary infertility. (more…)

K is for Kindness

By Natalie

During a time that feels so uncertain, I’d like to take a moment to talk about what is certain. When people can’t see eye to eye, when an invisible force sweeps through our world, taking lives with it, when we all want to be heard but can’t seem to get through to anyone… I want to say that God is still in control. Everything I do is within that framework. I try to do my part to keep my family safe, to educate myself as well as my daughter. Talk to my husband about the state of the world, our country, our community and keep an open line of communication with everyone I know to say I’m here and I hear you. Not being heard is a pain too great and I fear that with everyone screaming, no one is being heard. So I’m sitting here, quietly, in my community, in this space, saying I see you, I hear you, I hear your concerns, I may not understand, but I hear you. (more…)

From Here Until Christmas

By Natalie

I lay the little girl down in her crib, my hair hanging over the rails. “Get some rest.” I tell her as I tuck the blankets in around her small body. I shut her door and make my way down the stairs. The dog follows me, then the cat, our ten legs all creaking down the steps. I clear the last of the lunch dishes, clean the cat’s litter, refill the water bowl, make a pot of coffee, check the front door for packages I may have forgotten about only to find a gift left by our realtor. Inside is a balsam fir candle and a Christmas card of her family. The back reads, “Felicity must be enjoying this time of year.” (more…)

One Thing at a Time

By Natalie

We adopted a cat a couple of months ago. We named her Zelda because she’s a total princess. We’ve always longed for more pets. The question was never if it was always when and which one. On our search this summer we endured a peculiar trip to the pound, shut in a room with a couple of different cats that just didn’t feel right for our family. We also met a sweet high energy dog who probably would have liked Bingley until he tired out. We weren’t sure if she’d be helpful to entertain Bingley or if she’d just add more chaos than we needed. Ultimately we couldn’t get a good read on how she felt about Felicity. Then we met Zelda at an adoption event. Her foster mom said that she was the snuggliest of all her cats. She was exactly what we were looking for. She’s purring and curled up on my lap this very moment. (more…)

Caring for a Spouse with Anxiety

By Natalie

In the spring of 2016 Brandon came home not himself. I was busy with something that day not quite paying attention to the worry he’d brought home with him. Like an extra backpack he carried a weight he attempted to describe to me. But as I said I was busy, flustered by my own agenda I brushed off his concern. I wish I could go back to the Natalie in that moment to place my hands on her shoulders and say, “Stop what you’re doing, he needs you right now.” I wish I could have told myself to look in his eyes to recognize the defeat he felt and held him in that moment to tell him it was all going to be ok. But like all regrets in life we can’t change our actions, we can only allow them to teach us to be present in every moment. You’ll never know how big of a deal some conversations can be.  (more…)

How a Traumatic Experience Shaped Me

By Natalie

I’m not sure where to begin with this story because it’s such an important one and I want to make sure that I voice it correctly this time. The details of the event were simple. Brandon and I were gardening in our new front yard. Samson laid a few feet in front of us hooked up to his tie out. In the distance I saw an older couple walking their two small dogs. I thought for a split second to step on Samson’s leash or voice to Brandon that maybe he should hang on to him while the couple passed. We’d adopted him only a month prior, before that he’d been a stray. We simply didn’t know his true temperament yet nor his strength. (more…)

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