We’re so excited to announce we’re expecting our long awaited dearest little one.
The past year has been extremely difficult for me to write anything meaningful or personal. My personal struggles had been consumed in trying to conceive our first child. I took a big step back from sharing things publicly because what now mattered to me was the support and closeness of family and friends. If it weren’t for their encouragement I wouldn’t have made it through with my head held as high nor would I have seen what God had in store for me during this waiting period. I learned the value of close relationships. Brandon and I became much closer than we already were, supporting one another when the other seemed to wonder what could possibly be the problem.
My emotions were all over the place until one day I had to choose to praise. If we got pregnant God was good. If we didn’t he was still good. The struggles I have overcome in my past greatly contributed to my faith in the one who has always blessed me and never left my side.
God was good after every negative test I frustratingly threw into the trash can. He was good through every ache that gripped my heart from the piece of our family that seemed to be missing.
I’ve loved the life that we’ve lived. We’ve taken some easy steps and some difficult ones but every single step has brought us to where we are today as individuals, as a couple and as a family. We felt ready months after our five year anniversary to start a family. We loved our lives and were ready for our greatest adventure yet. As the months dragged on my yearning grew deeper and deeper. All week I’d care for little ones who were not my own. Rocking them to sleep, praying for my own. Every day was a reminder that I was without. I had to make a shift and look at it differently. I had to choose to be grateful to have babies to snuggle. To curb the longing I had for my own child and grant it to the little boys that were in my charge.
I started a journal of letters to our child from the very beginning and I’m so glad I have that to look back on.
On September 1st 2016 I wrote “Whether I have to wait a month or a year for you, it won’t matter because God’s will in our lives is perfect.”
On October 15th 2016 I wrote “I’m anxious to share our life with you. I have all this love bottled up inside me waiting to be expressed to you.”
On January 28th 2017 I wrote “Life’s been tough without you.”
On February 3rd 2017 I wrote “I want you to know even before you were born you were in my heart. You have always been loved.”
On March 7th 2017 I wrote “I long so terribly to hold you. I’m wallowing in my sadness today because there is a lack of you… You are always loved. Always were. Always will be.”
On May 18th 2017 I wrote “I want you to be God fearing, empathetic and a kind person. I want you to be generous and have a hunger for more.”
On June 11th 2017 I wrote “Am I allowed to feel pain for something that has never been? That’s never been lost? …Promise you’ll come soon.”
On June 23rd 2017 I jotted down Romans 8:25-28
On July 20th 2017 I wrote “…I have sat on a doctor’s table and begged God to tell me why or at the very least when. I asked him to grant me patience and understanding. I was angry with him. Very angry that he placed me somewhere that I would feel this void so desperately. One day you might find yourself angry with God as well. All I can tell you is that he may not give you complete understanding of where you are, but he will give you what you need to get through it.“
On August 11th 2017 I wrote “I feel empty today. Empty and sad.”
On October 19th 2017 I wrote “Oh my dearest little one, I just found out I’m carrying you and I feel so overcome with emotion.”
The letters continue, each signed xoxo. I share these personal excerpts because I know I was not alone in our struggle to conceive. I know we’re extremely blessed to have even waited such a short time in comparison to many others. I’m thankful for the time Brandon and I had together and the abundance of letters I was able to write to our child even before conception. Mostly I am grateful for the God who never left me, even when I questioned his plan.
It’s been a beautiful journey and we’re truly blessed to be given this gift.
How I’ve Been Feeling
- The first trimester is kicking my butt. I started to feel nauseated all day every day starting at 6 weeks until now as it slowly subsides. I was completely unprepared for the toll it would take on me physically and mentally to feel so sick for such a long stretch.
- The grocery store is still off limits!
- Much to Brandon’s dismay I CANNOT stand the smell of bacon. Sad days in our home. No more Saturday morning bacon and pancakes.
- My due date is June 30th (Baby’s trying to creep up on my birthday.)
- Nightly at home yoga has been extremely helpful for my mood and nausea.
- I’m asleep by 9pm, 8pm if I’m lucky.
- I have super smell!! Brandon has been amazed.
- Cravings: Powdered jelly donut. A friend’s homemade oatmeal crust veggie pizza (which they graciously made for me!). Fried rice.
- I’m blown away by Brandon’s love and care for me and our home during this season. He’s going to be an awesome Dad!
- Bingley is mostly oblivious.
- We have a terrific support system in our family and close friends. One’s who couldn’t contain their excitement when they heard the news and ones who even teared up at this answered prayer. They continue to encourage and pray for us which has been a lovely blessing.
- Brandon and I are completly in love with this babe already.