Dearest Friends

I’ve had my heart broken from so many friendships. Female friendships have proven to be one of the most difficult things to navigate in my life. It’s probably because I love too hard. But I also have boundaries. And both those things have shattered my friendships. Some growing apart for a time and bungeeing back. Some over as quickly as they started. Some mutually ending and a decade later discussing who we were then and who we are now and genuinely wishing each other the best. Those give me hope and help me feel like it’s not just me. But it’s hard to feel like it’s not me when so many friendships have not stood the test of time. I try to look back on my lost friendships fondly. What we had at one time was beautiful. Even though there’s not a happy ending that doesn’t mean what we had wasn’t real and genuine at the time. Friends for a season, as they say.

This is a poem to some of the women I have lost over the years. An ode to them. A bit of gratitude for what they brought to my life even though our paths together were cut short.

If I could go back to the strawberry field where we first met I would stay in that moment and take in all the sweet feelings of starting something new. I would spend a little more time with you in the golden light and accept you as you are. I would practice my Spanish and dance with you again.

If I could visit the library with you once more, our charges in tow, I’d laugh with you again and have one more lunch together in the sun. I’d appreciate your honesty and make you feel cared for. I thought we would last forever.

If I could go back the fountain where we first met, if I could go back knowing now what I didn’t know then..

that our time together would be robbed from us.. I would hug you a little longer. I would’ve pushed for those extra trips together. I would have reiterated how you felt almost a part of me. I would have thanked you again for crying with me, laughing with me. I would have asked God what more I could do with your tired head rested on my shoulder. I didn’t know the last time I saw you would be the last time I’d see your face. I would have looked into your weepy eyes and told you not to go. I would have reminded you that Felicity loved you. That she had memories and traditions with you too. I would remember the features of your face and the joy and peace you once brought to my life.

When it feels like I hold a graveyard of friendships inside me, this is the only thing that brings me comfort. 

I wish I had one more moment with you, where the world around us could blur and the hurt and the letdown could melt away. I wish we could be with each other and no other circumstances could hinder our friendship.

To the friendships that I somehow blew up like a grenade. In the disaster that came between us, I couldn’t find my way back to you. I can’t quite figure out if I’m more upset with myself or with you or with us as a whole for not giving each other more grace.

I hope you know, I’m sorry things didn’t last a lifetime with us. I’m sorry I couldn’t muster the stamina to hold you up through one more trial. We each carry our own pain and sometimes our journeys take us in different directions, but I’m glad I had you when I had you. What a lovely chapter I got to have in my life.

Dearest friends,

If we had one more day together and I knew it was our last, I’d look into your tender eyes and tell you you’re beautiful. I’d tell you you deserve the world and mean it. I’d tell you there is no one quite like you. That I carry you with me and you’ve helped me grow. With or without me you deserve the best.