Soul Crusher

By Natalie

If I never had to job hunt again my heart would be content.. It is an absolute soul crusher. Each day I focus my efforts into applying for positions I’m not even sure I qualify for. I leave it for them to decide. Spending hours and hours sifting through positions, searching for their locations only to be responded to with a sorry not sorry We’ve filled the position email. The other day I found myself 60% of the way through an application. Too far to let that time go to waste, and too much time has passed on previous applications to lean on their dependency. But there I sat, eyes peering in a confused manor at the screen. 60% of the way through said application listed a number of items to be placed in order. These things were to be placed in the order of your importance. Or rather that you felt were morally correct. I don’t even remember I was so stunned.

I looked to my left and the first line read Wedding Vows. Alright, perfect, that’ll go on top. Next was Baby. I placed that on the second line. The items that proceeded were a random assortment of things including:

  • Trash
  • A Mathematician
  • A Scientist
  • Terrorist Attack
  • Slavery
  • Torture 

Okayyy.. I must be mistaken. I was under the impression that I was applying to be a receptionist in a retirement community. Is this really necessary? Did I click the wrong link? It was the most ridiculous waste of time. But needless to say I did finish the application because how could I not? I’m in search of work. One can only hold but so many conversations with her dog. I’m in need of some human interaction during the day time, so I go on searching, and searching. Because what if The Job was just on the next page? What if it was the one that I didn’t finish the application to because I’m so tired of filling out my 100th  40 page personality questionnaire? Yes, yes, I strongly agree. I strongly agree that I am just tired of searching, and am growing rather disappointed. I just want to meet you, and tell you how hard I’d work! How organized I am, and how perfect I’d be for the job!

These are the things that haunt me at night.

I loved my last position as a rehab tech. I had the opportunity to work with so many great therapists, who taught me so much. I got to be with kiddos all day which was just perfect, because who doesn’t want to just sit on a mat table after lunch and play Candy Land with a 6 year old? Blow bubbles until your cheeks hurt? Or shoot hot wheels cars off of a ramp to make a crying boy smile in amazement? I could go on… I miss it, I really kinda do. All I was hoping for was something sort of similar down here in Charlotte. Something I enjoy.

Just the other night I had this dream, and I know that dream stories can be a drag, but bare with me this one was vivid..

So I’m sitting in this circle of people. They’re having a meeting in the center of a gym, and for some reason I’m attending although I don’t work there. Don’t ask how I got there. One woman talks about how employees need to clean up the area they’ve used when they’re finished. Another woman says she’s tired of taking the dirty toy bin home to sanitize the toys each night. I look off to the left and I see an exercise ball. Off to the right, and there’s a stationary bike. I’m sitting somewhere that feels familiar, when I’ve found that I’m living in a place that is so different. “I could help with that.” I say. “I’m a rehab technician, I can keep the place organized for you, and even help with patients if you need. I have lots of experience.”

Can you believe this??

Then I find myself in room full of PTs observing my form while demonstrating pulleys for benefits of the shoulder. They all nod in surprise, and continue to observe as I demonstrate a perfect squat with steady knees, and perfect form.


It’s hilarious right? I seriously had a dream I was doing PT. You better believe Brandon and I had a laugh when I awoke and told him of my nightly adventures. Therapy is in my blood apparently. It must be.

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