Lincoln’s Journey in the NICU

Lincoln Thomas Poe was born Monday June 9th at 12:07am. He was 10lbs 5oz and 22in.

His birth story will come later.

Due to the nature that we don’t share much on socials I’ve been sharing details with loved ones at different times via txt this week. It was becoming increasingly more difficult to keep up with updates as the roller coaster week went on. 

On Monday afternoon Lincoln was admitted to the NICU due to low blood sugar. On Tuesday we visited him several times. I pumped diligently and Brandon salvaged the small bits of colostrum from the pump into syringes to give to Lincoln. He was also being supplemented with formula and already taking 20-30ml. 

We wondered how long he would be in the NICU and if we should push to stay at the hospital longer or accept discharge that evening as I was recovering well. With word from the nurse practitioner that Lincoln’s blood sugar levels were not regulated enough to go home Brandon and I made the tough decision to go home and spend time with Felicity and sleep in our own bed so I could continue my recovery more comfortably. Despite knowing this was the right decision I broke down in tears when Brandon had our room packed up on a cart and it was time to go. Brandon held me as my body reconciled the fact that after 9 months together I had to leave my baby behind. 

We visited Lincoln on our way out and I left my syringes of colostrum with the nurses. We were informed that Lincoln would need to be placed on a CPAP machine to help regulate his rapid breathing. He was given an X-ray which showed that he had fluid in his chest. We were told this would go away in time. He was placed on the lowest setting of the CPAP, blowing fresh air into his nose. He also had a feeding tube inserted to make feeding simpler with his rapid breathing so he did not aspirate. 

When we visited Wednesday evening Lincoln had the CPAP removed and would be monitored for 24hrs without it. However he had been placed under a UV light since his bilirubin numbers spiked. His jaundice was due to the amount of bruising he sustained in birth. Big boy! For those who don’t know much about jaundice, the UV lights help break everything up and baby pees and poos it out. Luckily he was doing well in that department.

The longer he was under the lights the better for him. We could only hold him during feedings. This was absolute torture I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. We watched our unswaddled baby squirm and fuss and all we could do was talk to him and try to give him a paci. Brandon and I were heartbroken. We fed him that evening and decided that on Thursday I would spend the majority of the day at the hospital with Lincoln while Brandon took Felicity to a trampoline park with his parents. 

During all this time I had been waking up 2x a night to pump and thanks to some yummy lactation cookies my friend made my milk was coming in strong. On Thursday I stayed at the hospital from 9-3. I fed Lincoln a bottle of my breast milk, soaked in the snuggles and placed him back under his lights. 

The nurse practitioner made her rounds to update the Dr. and Dr Morales made the call that Lincoln should go back on the CPAP as his blood ox levels had drifted through the night. They should be between 95-100% Lincoln’s was dipping to 89-91% without the CPAP. When these numbers dip it causes the monitors to beep. That goes for each baby’s monitor in the NICU when they dip and I don’t think I’ll forget the sound of all that anxiety inducing beeping, hoping your baby will just stay stable. 

Dr Morales also ordered an echo which is an ultrasound to check his heart. She figured we might as well cover all the bases while he was there. 

Nurse Laura told me to take a deep breath and it all hit me hard. I learned all about nurse Laura that day and so appreciated her company. She asked me my ethnicity and when I told her Puerto Rican she responded that they all wondered because I was so pretty which was quite sweet. When she changed Lincoln’s diaper she told me she always tries to be nice while the babies fuss getting their diaper changed because one day they’d find her in a nursing home to change her diaper. These little bits of humor and lightheartedness the nurses had was a welcome reprieve from the difficulty of the situation. I insisted that Lincoln would be bringing her flowers in the nursing home and thanking her for caring for him in his first days of life. 

When she handed him to me I asked her what I would do when we went home and she wasn’t there to help anymore. This sweet little boy didn’t feel like my baby. It was surreal. I felt like I was simply watching over this little one but he wasn’t mine yet.

Nurse Laura showed me to a parents room across the hall so I could eat lunch and have a quiet moment to myself. I popped some worship music in my headphones and the tears came quickly. Each day we thought it’d maybe be another day or two that he would come home. The roller coaster of emotions was beginning to take a toll on me and I worried for my baby as well. My sisters consoled me over the phone and reminded me of how strong I was and I didn’t take this lightly as I was only 4 days postpartum. I just cried on the phone with them while they held space. 

I entered the bathroom in the parents room, pulled my peri bottle out of the diaper bag and a fresh pad and slowly lowered myself onto the toilet using the bars. I looked at myself in the mirror and reminded myself that my body was still healing from Lincoln’s birth and I took a moment to encourage myself that I was doing everything to take care of my body as well as be there for my baby how I could. These encouraging words I told myself were mostly stemmed from the words of loved ones reaching out telling me what a strong mama I was. Most times in my life when I’m told I’m strong I think to myself but I don’t want to be. Regardless, I let the words in and gave myself a big dose of grace as I looked at my changing healing body.

I walked back into the NICU and a young nurse was shushing Lincoln as he did Lincoln’s ultrasound. Lincoln did amazing he slept through the whole thing which took about a half hour. The ultrasound came back normal. More good news was that his blood sugar had finally regulated. 

Nurse Laura handed Lincoln to me as he woke up so I could breastfeed him. Lincoln latched right away and I could have cried. After having such a lovely breastfeeding journey with Felicity I worried my breastfeeding journey with Lincoln would suffer with him being in the NICU. But the nurses reminded me that babies who’d been in the NICU for a month had no issues breastfeeding once they got home so I held out hope.

Lincoln nursed well and I topped him off with formula. I prayed over him, reminded myself that he was God’s child I only had the honor of mothering him. And I told Lincoln that we were here, that he just needed to focus on getting better and we would be patient. 

That evening Brandon and I visited Lincoln together and found him under the UV lights as well as laying on the UV pad. I tried to nurse him but he’d slept past his feeding window to the point of hanger so he refused to latch. It stormed outside and I felt defeated. 

Friday morning Brandon checked in with me on the way to the NICU to see how I was feeling and my response was, physically ok, emotionally lonely. Lincoln was only under one uv light as his bilirubin number had come down significantly thanks to a quirky night nurse who decided she’d get as much of Lincoln’s skin exposed to the UV lights as possible including rolling his diaper down while he laid on his belly. She sent us a photo saying “sun’s out, buns out” I laughed harder than I had in what felt like a long time. This messaging system the nurses used brought a huge sense of comfort. Via a snapchat like app the nurses are able to send us photos and captions one way. We can heart the images and screenshot them.

By our evening visit Lincoln was out from under the lights. I brought Brandon’s mom with me so she could hold him before they left Saturday. 

He was making the sweetest faces while she talked to him. I nursed him and his sats were all stable. The night nurse brought me some tape so that I could hang up a picture that Felicity colored for him to match his dinosaur blanket. 

On Saturday our friends picked Felicity up for a birthday party so that Brandon and I could visit the hospital together. My milk supply had really grown so I dropped off several bottles. Brandon and I did our 3 minute hand wash routine which you have to do anytime you enter the NICU and then we walked over to our boy’s room. He shares a room with a sweet premie girl, separated by a curtain for parents privacy. Most of the babies there are itty bitty. The nurses call Lincoln a beefcake. I nursed Lincoln, we held him, we gave him pep talks and told him what our home was like. 

We picked Felicity up from our friend’s house and I asked if we could just stay for a bit. I plopped on their couch and tried to soak in the little bit of our old normal. 

That afternoon while I put on my pumping bra I cried. I just felt worn down. B came upstairs to console me.

After dinner Brandon told me to go take all the time I needed with Lincoln. I left a little before 7 and hoped to nurse him around 8pm. I picked up my swaddled little bundle and sat down with him. He slept in my arms while I cried that silent kind of cry where your nose just runs and tears roll down your cheeks one by one. We were nearing a whole week without him home and it was getting too painful. I took in the sweet scent of his forehead and I had no more words for him except I love you so so much. The nurse practitioner came in at 8 and told me that Lincoln hadn’t done so well during his trials without the CPAP so they would leave it on him and try again without it in the early morning. Holding a baby with all the tubes and wires attached to them is so difficult. Then she told me that she knew I planned to breastfeed but she thought it would be better to go ahead and put the feeding tube back in him for the next few feedings so as not to stress his breathing. I froze, my whole body ached, a burning welled up from my chest to my eyes. She told me it was all a waiting game, because there was still so much fluid in his chest. I changed his diaper and the nurse Olivia showed me the feeding tube. I told her I’d seen it on him before. She motioned toward the pump and I realized I couldn’t sit there and pump, I needed a good sob. 

“I think I’m going to pump at home.” I told her. I pressed my hand on Lincoln’s swaddled body and told him goodbye. “Oh ok” Olivia said. “He’ll get lots of snuggles tonight and I’ll send you pictures.” 

I felt out of my own body as I walked out of the NICU. Once the elevator door closed I gasped for air and I couldn’t keep myself from crying. The elevator doors opened quickly and a nurse stood in front of me waiting to enter. Surely they’d seen NICU moms before, I didn’t bother hiding my tears. I brushed past her with my head down and walked quickly out of the hospital crying through the whole parking lot. Once I got in the car I cried out “I want to feed my baby.” Such a primal instinct was overtaking my emotions. I felt ripped in two. Having just given birth to my miracle baby, being told I couldn’t feed him was absolute anguish. I talked to my mom and sisters but at this point I felt angry. When would he come home? When could I breastfeed him again? And when would I hold him whenever I wanted? I then felt horribly guilty because I left him. When I came home Brandon held me in our bed and I told him I couldn’t watch the feeding tube go in and that’s why I left. I couldn’t bear the torture of my primal instincts being taken away. 

On Sunday Brandon thought it would be a good idea to visit Lincoln on his own. I agreed because he was able to handle the updates well and ask questions to the nurses whereas when I was alone I typically froze and got emotional. Felicity crawled in our bed and wished Brandon a happy Father’s day. I made a quick breakfast to bring up to them in bed and washed some dishes. The sense of normalcy really helped. Brandon was excited to go see his boy for Father’s day and I spent the morning with Felicity. We made bracelets, went on a short walk and I soaked in lots of snuggles with her which I hadn’t had in almost all week and truly needed. 

Felicity has been quite sweet this week. We never prepared her for the fact that Lincoln would not come home from the hospital and she’s handled us being away quite well. On Thursday after we walked out the door she ran outside to give us extra hugs, no words just hugs. Brandon reminded her he would be back for her to do something fun. 

She watched Brandon lower me down to the toilet the first couple of days home, she watched him help me get into bed, clean pump parts, help me put my pants on etc. She’s fascinated by the breast pump. One morning she brought my milk down to the fridge and I heard Brandon praising her. She saw me struggling to get in bed one day and she came over and lifted my right leg into the bed. She’s put away our laundry for us as I directed her. She was certain she could reach the hangers in Brandon’s closet. She reached up gave them a good shove and they came tumbling down. “Woah!! Avalanche.” I laughed. She giggled and picked them up and began to hang Brandon’s shirts up. “Daddy is going to be so surprised.” She said. 

At this point Lincoln remains in the NICU until his blood ox levels are stable without the CPAP. We have no idea how much longer this will take. It’s truly a test of our patience. I feel like I’m not holding it together very well anymore, though today was ok. I’m controlling what I can control and feeling good about the breastmilk I’m able to provide for him that can be even be fed to him through the feeding tube. Brandon and I are amazed by the experience and tenderness of the NICU nurses and we’re so grateful they’re taking care of our baby when we can’t. Continue to pray for our sweet boy to come home soon and for my heart as I grieve the loss of so many moments without my newborn son at home his first weeks of life.