By Natalie
I haven’t known what to say or how to say it. In the beginning because I was adjusting to the shock of our miracle unassisted pregnancy, after 5 years of secondary infertility. Also because I was awfully nauseous. In the second trimester I remained silent because I still didn’t have much of a desire to write. But now.. at 30 weeks here I am and the time feels right to share this poem written for my SECOND.
By Natalie
A few weeks ago I found myself in what I felt like was an emergency situation. My mental health was deteriorating all summer and I struggled to manage until the day that one trigger blew up everything inside me. I was numb and could not deal with anything or anyone. My body had been breaking down for a while. One night in August I became unexpectedly nauseous. I was restless and unable to sleep and then I began vomiting at 3am. I had brain fog, I tried consuming more electrolytes, convinced maybe the heat of the summer was the issue. I couldn’t recall words and on top of that my irritability was spewing on everyone around me.
By Natalie
It’s been a month since he’s been gone and it doesn’t feel real. The death of Bingley felt like a death of a part of myself. He passed peacefully at home, surrounded by his toys, his bone and Brandon and I. Because his passing was peaceful I felt ok. He wasn’t in pain anymore, we weren’t weighed by the decision of when it was time anymore, we were all going to be ok. But as the weeks drug on my mind began to shift and grieve, unfamiliar with how manage it my moods swung in a dozen different directions.
By Natalie
Zaul,
I thought I’d write this note to you at home and send you some snail mail but I couldn’t think of anything else on my flight home from Texas so I began writing this to you on the quiet plane. But then midway through writing I started tearing up and felt quite awkward crying on a plane so I had to pause, chug my water, blow my nose and pick it up later. I’ve since taken some time to process and I felt that this was definitely something that I wanted to share with you, and I felt it deserved to be an open letter because this space and audience has become a part of my journey.
By Natalie
Our family has chosen to celebrate this festive season by slowing down. A few weeks ago I sat down to discuss our Holiday plans with Brandon. “What Christmas activities do you want to do this year?” I asked. I went rambling on about how I didn’t think we needed to drive through the Charlotte Motor Speedway Lights again, but maybe we wanted to try the light show in Ballantyne this year. And should I plan to take Felicity to Gingerbread lane again the gingerbread house competition nearby and a number of other events in our area. There’s so many things to do this time of year in Charlotte. There’s almost too much. In one sense it’s nice because not one event is crazy crowded. But at the same time it feels like you’re missing out on something.
By Natalie
Lights on 6am
Leggings up, contacts in.
Morning Zoe, time for school.
Dark sky, red lights. (more…)
By Natalie
I pulled my coffee out from under the espresso machine and poured some milk in the glass. My iced latte swirled into a caramel color. A loud thud vibrated above me. It was the glorious hour of quiet time where I could sit with my second cup of coffee of the day and have a moment to myself while Lici played in her room. Though it was quiet time, she still can’t help but jump around. I went upstairs and opened Lici’s door. She laid on the floor legs up and made eye contact with me upside down. “Hey mama.” she said.
“Are you alright?” I asked.
“Oh yea, I was just being a jaguar catching a crocodile.” She curled her fingers as if they were jaguar claws.
“I see.” I nodded. “Well it is quiet time, so rest your body if you’re feeling sleepy.” I told her. She giggled and said, “Ok.” (more…)
By Natalie
Something rolled out from the clothes that I was folding. I turned to find a letter X bead lying on the floor. It stared back at me beaming. I knelt down to pick up this little treasure. This little bead rolling out of my laundry.. it took me straight to yesterday morning when Felicity and I were making necklaces together with a kit she got for her birthday. She loads up letters and shapes onto the string in no particular order. Brandon and I wear them around the house. Sometimes Bingley even has one around his neck. The bead. These small reminders that I’m a mother. The candy cane jammies that I folded and set on the washing machine. The dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. The unicorn water cup that never seems to make it back to the table. The toys that are pushed to the edge of the playroom so that she and her daddy can play Saratops which is basically a very silly dinosaur head fight on all fours. The toy horse that she’s always looking for that I found in a basket. The pink towel that was draped over the banister upstairs. I tidy up, put the letter X bead back in the kit, fold her towel and set it back on her towel rack. Motherhood. (more…)
By Natalie
This has been a wild year. At the beginning of March I started my shop Lux Sensory with a love for children and a passion for creating. Brandon and I have always believed that we were born to create. He’s always said that creating brings us closer to our creator. Building things, forming things, making things, putting something out into the world that had not existed before is at the core of our being. I love to create all sorts of things. I’m a seasonal knitter, occasional embroiderer, Christmastime sugar scrub maker and all around as my bio states lover of all things crafty. (more…)
By Natalie
Felicity started preschool three mornings a week. She’s eager to learn and we can tell that time away from us is so essential for her growth. When her preschool was looking for extra teachers I decided to apply. I thought that keeping busy while she was away would be a good thing. But after a few days I wasn’t completely at peace with it. When I talked to a friend about it I realized that I was in a sense of denial over the fact that my little girl didn’t need me those mornings and I thought that I’d be cradling another little baby by the time she went to preschool. I needed to feel needed. For the past 7 years there have been kiddos in my care that needed me. My friend encouraged me to be still and find where God was leading me during this time before I forced myself into something that I wasn’t prepared for. (more…)