Confessions

Archive of ‘Confessions’ category

Feb 17
2015

Before I Pass

At first I thought I may be a little young to be thinking about the end of my life. Then I realized that if I don’t come to terms with the fact that one day my life will end, will I ever take any risks? Will I ever be willing to uncover a boldness in myself to make difficult decisions, and attempt things that scare me?

If we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives.

-Lemony Snicket

I used to hate being home alone. Hate sitting in my own living room because the door was near the couch, and what if someone came knocking? I hated going places on my own, because I’d see a sketchy dude and think up the worst. My mom was a single parent to three girls and in desperate attempts to protect us we learned to be extra cautious. But as I got older this caution turned into paralyzing fear. Leaving me uncomfortable around most men I came across, building up what if scenarios, and afraid of putting myself in a situation where I may be hurt. Then Brandon said “Pack your bags.” The day he got a new job, and I got thrusted into this unfamiliar place. There was no room for being afraid anymore. I had to explore on my own, and after getting over a smidge of culture shock I made it. I’m not sure I’ve quite overcome my fear, but I have definitely broken a large chunk of the bondage that fear held over me. And now, I’ve learned something. That sometimes you just have to throw yourself into your fear, and take control of it. Because living in fear or hurt is hardly living.

The truth is I have to choose happiness now. Live in the “Why not’s?” Because who knows when my heart will stop ticking…

Life is too precious to submit to fear’s heavy bondage.

Too short to be dragged through our past when we need to let it go.

Life is too magnificent to spend our days in silent war with ourselves.

Too brief to not love unconditionally.

Too unforgiving to make the same mistake twice.

Too quick to let people in your life go unappreciated.

Too beautiful to hold on to relationships that are damaging.

Too authentic to not be honest with yourself and others… God is the author of your story, you are merely the storyteller.

I never imagined myself as the memoir type. I have notebooks full of high school creative writing fiction I’m too embarassed to share. I think during that time I was desperate to create other worlds that were safe, and made sense. Now that I’ve figured a few things out the hard way I’ve grown to enjoy this world. Here I’ve been for the past year docummenting my life as I live it. I realized the other day, these are pretty much my memoirs. And forgive me while I boast a bit, but I’m so proud of myself for continuing these memoirs as long as I have. They’ve allowed me to let certain things go, and learn more about myself in the process. It’s been a complicated journey where I’ve balanced on the fine line of emotion and forgiveness… Before I pass I want to make sure that I explored all the opportunities I wished for. I want to look back on these memoirs with feelings of nostalgia. I want to live a life that was surrounded by people who care for me, and support me being ME. I want a life that was well traveled, and fearless. One that our future children could admire. They’re big dreams, I’m aware.. But I have today, tomorrow, and how ever many more days I’m blessed with to figure it out.

Jan 30
2015

An Open Letter

By Natalie

Today, I’m just going to have to say what’s on my heart.

An open letter to the woman who’s generousity healed a heart.

Brandi,

Every day I look at Bingley I’m reminded of your compassion. How I want to be a woman who can be that compassionate. To willingly gift something just to cheer someone up.

Bingley is currently sleeping behind me, snoring, stretching out his paw every now and then pressing into my back. He is crazy. He is clingly. He tracks so much water from his bowl. He leaves hair all over the place!!! He pulls his crate mat out of his crate and drags it all over the house, and leaves fluff and thread all over the carpet as he thrashes it around. He jumps into the shower if you leave the bathroom door open because he loves baths! He woofs next to the bed when I want to sleep in, and then when I open my eyes he barks as if I’m unaware that he hasn’t been fed. He gets cranky when we stick our feet under him under the blankets. He is a pillow thief! On the bed, and the couch. He is a 75 lb wild animal in our house.

But Brandi,

He sits for his food, and waits for a command to eat it. He’s great around kids. He’s great with other dogs. He’s protective, and sweet. He loves to cuddle and give kisses. He was there when I received a second subpoena for court. He laid next to me while I had the paper in my hand. Full of anxiety, and fear, and dread.

It’s been a long long road but I think I’m getting there. Getting to the point where I’m not going to allow myself to worry about losing him just yet. There was a moment only a few months ago when our mutual friend Chloe brought me to the pet store. Bingley could pull an 18 wheeler on the harness we had for him, and she urged me to try some different ones. First we tried a gentle leader which immediatey sent fear straight to the pit of my stomach. “This thing is only attached to his muzzle, and neck! No way man, I have no control over him.” Was my only thought. So we tried a different one that sat low on his front legs. With every step I swore I’d see him slip it any second. Other customers walked by with their dogs and my body tightened. Lastly she fit him with a prong collar, loosely resting on his neck until he pulled. This one was working. He walked next to me. He listened to my commands.

Chloe pressed me for my thoughts on the collar but my words were choking my throat. She attempted to reassure me that though it may appear to be menacing, he was perfectly fine. But my mind was somewhere else.

“Natalie what is it?” She said. Then I looked up at her with tears pooling in my eyes.

“You can say it Natalie.” She continued. And then, with a year’s worth of build up I broke. I confessed how terrified I was of losing him. How terrified I was of getting a harness that wouldn’t hold him, or that he would get loose from. And that once again it’d be on me. It would be my fault that he got loose, and I don’t want to live through those consequesnces again. The truth was, this collar was the first one that I’d felt comfortable walking him in. I realized I could finally let go.

As always, thank you for providing me with the chance to face my fears. And while doing so being in the constant companionship of this sweet dog. You’ve made us family.

Natalie

Jan 14
2015

On Being an Introvert

By Natalie

The more time I spend in Charlotte the more I discover a little bit more about myself. Which is really what we were hoping for with this move. We’ve entered into a week of rainy days, and cloud cover around here and I can’t help but confess that I sort of love it. While mud puddles, and cold, wet feet are absolutely no fun the cold gloom gives me this sense of coziness. I, my good friends, am an introvert. If I could have my way when greeting you for the first time it’d go a little somehing like this…

You see, I am fond of books, and Netflix binges, and fuzzy socks, and my couch with cozy pilows and blankets. I am fond of keeping my home, my personal space tidy, and inviting. I am fond of my craft room where I’m able to put my creativity to practical use. On a rainy day I want to snuggle up at home. On sunny days I want to go on dog walks in the park, and out for coffee on my own.

It’s who I am, it’s why I’m best understood through writing, and I think I’m ready to stop being ashamed of it, and help others understand their fellow introverts. I’m not lonely, I’m not bored, I’m simply recharging when I wish to stay in.

Know that if you have an introverted friend they are not always going to want to make an event of things, or be around a ton of people. Especially people they’ve never met. But if you have an introverted friend you must be extra special, because if they have deemed you worthy of their time you must be pretty rad.

Now that you have a better understanding of how I happen to be wired here’s some Introvert myths I’m ready to bust.

I wanted to say “Oh yes Myth 1, and 6, and 10 are all so true.” But really they’re all right on, and you’d do well to take our word for it. Thanks for listening friends, I’ll step off my soap box, put my jammies on, and make myself some hot cocoa now. Cause that’s what I do.

This Introvert is done for the day.

Oct 20
2014

Autumn Dog Walks

By Natalie

Recently I went on a walk with the puppy on possibly one of the last warmer days here in Charlotte. Does it get any better than this? It was a white t-shirt, dark denims kind of day. Where the sunlight kissed the pond after a fabulous date, and left it sparkling.

Bingley was overdue for a long long walk. You wanna know how I knew? Because a couple nights before he began barking at me continuously to play, and then proceeded to run around in circles chasing his tail… This went on for a while.. Until eventually he got dizzy, and waddled off to the side of the room.

As Bingley and I passed the bridge we came across a photographer which is a usual occurrence at Freedom Park. Her lens was pointed toward a twitter-paited couple nuzzling noses. The woman wore a short fluffy white dress and a veil. The man wore a fitted suit. A neatly wrapped bouquet of flowers lay beside the photographer. It was some sort of wedding shoot. But on a Wednesday? Perhaps it was an after the wedding session. Whatever they were there for, they seemed to capture the attention of all passerby.

Then, careening downhill came a young boy on a bike. His eyes peeked out from under his helmet, as his hands gripped the handle bars. His dad was jogging behind him, arms out, and ready for anything. The little boy thrust the handlebars side to side in desperate attempt to keep his bike upright. His training wheels were fresh off, and this was his big day. What an event to witness.

His smile was wide, even through his wobbliness. “Mommy! I did it! I did it!” he yelled. A woman with sunglasses and running shorts yelled up to him. “Good job baby!” After a few more steps I began to pass her stumbling behind her daughter’s bike. She whispered encouragements to the little girl who was taking on the slight hill with more caution than her brother. I smiled at them as we passed. This was quite possibly the sweetest scene I’ve witnessed all week. I’m not sure what could even top it next week. As we were going in opposite directions I passed this family of four a few more times. And with each passing I saw the kiddos get better and better. They grew more confidence, and were cycling straighter paths without the aide of their parents. It was adorable.

During this wonderful walk, and all of my people watching I had a thought. “Have I ever been the source of someone’s inspiration?” Young woman walks giant black lab briskly. Young woman discreetly takes photos of trees, and pet. Or so she thinks.

I was inspired by everyone at the park that day, who’s to say I didn’t inspire them? Not just the family teaching their children to ride bikes, or the photo session couple. But the boy sitting on the quiet bench by the ducks working on his laptop. The woman across the way from my bench that sat cross legged on her blanket under the willow tree engrossed in a novel. The old man that sat on his cooler holding onto his fishing pole leisurely. It was the perfect day, with a laid back kind of afternoon. I’m going to enjoy them while they’re here I think. Just until the winter months. Go on trees, keep those leaves changing. And wind keep those cool breezes coming.. We’re loving it out here.

Oct 10
2014

Discoveries & the Like

By Natalie

Hello October. We missed you. I’m satisfied with the tan I’ve acquired this summer, and all the change that’s happened. I think I’m ready to settle inside with some pumpkin bread, cinnamon scents, hot apple cider, and a shared blanket with my love. When will the leaves turn October? I can’t wait to see them. Those rich crimsons, and bright yellows. They give me fuzzies inside. Well that and the cooler weather you’ve brought along. That puts the fuzzies right in my throat, and nose.

Last weekend the Poe household was a sad bunch. B caught a bug from work, and inevitably passed it on to me. We never do well with temperature change. There’s always one bad cold to prove it. As if we weren’t pitiful enough ourselves we noticed one night while sipping our tea that Bingley was flapping his ears all around. He started shaking his head like he was trying desperately shake something out. Upon taking him to the vet we discovered he had a yeast infection in his ears. Said infection was to be treated by shoving medicine covered cotton balls around his ears. It was a sad way to spend a weekend friends.

Around here lately Brandon and I have gone through more changes, and discoveries. Bare with me while I utilize some fun buttons I don’t use nearly enough on this beautiful blog?

Inanimate Discovery

We’ve found that our fireplace is not really a fireplace at all, but rather a projected light dancing around as to mimic flames, and a separate switch for a heater, if you so wish. How silly is that? When did artificial, and convenience so suddenly take over the natural, and original? The more I enjoy the modern, the more I miss the simple. It’s a mystery.

The Best Chocolate Milk on Earth

Allow me to introduce to you the best chocolate milk on earth.

Move over Nesquik you’ve got nothing on Promised Land. Ok, I never really drank Nesquik anyway. My mother was convinced it was powdered cavities when I was young, and when I was old enough to deviously try it myself it was terribly disappointing. Thus leaving me to satisfy my chocolate milk cravings with Malt Ovaltine. Until now.

Originally I purchased this Chocolate milk in Publix solely based off of the appearance. Gosh I’m a sucker for purchasing things on appearance. I admit it. I’m a marketer’s dream. Brandon of course suspected my reasons for purchase and continued to state how it wasn’t all that great. That’s where he was wrong! I may have bought this based on appearance at first, but this milk has proven itself! So thick, creamy and rich. It’s clearly blog worthy.

I haven’t even gotten to the best part of the grocery trip. We proceed to the check out where the girl unloading the cart goes “This is the best chocolate milk ever!” My eyes grew 2 inches wider I swear to you. Then the cashier joins in. “Yes! That milk is the best!” the voice in my head screams “You are kidding me.” So I look over at B with a smirk. He shakes his head, and chuckles. I live for these moments. Gosh Brandon is so smart. And when I get backed up on something, or know something he didn’t, I get so excited. Not in an I told you so kind of way, but in a yay, I knew something you didn’t kind of way. So what it’s an opinion. I’ll take it. I’m not really sure if anyone can understand this other than my sister in law Ashley. Cause our husbands are brothers, and so much alike. Troubleshooting fiends those men. Technology cowers in their presence.

Work Discovery

I’ve been walking around with a burp cloth on my shoulder. Warming up bottles. Picking up crayon bits from the corners of a playroom. Shoveling sand in a sandbox. Reading aloud until my throat is dry. Tickling little ones, and delighting in their smiles. I’m filling my weekdays with caring for kiddos. And spending the weekends missing them. I’m a nanny now, and loving it. I take it pretty seriously you know. Like Mary Poppins serious. I even have the large nanny bag to prove it. I love watching kids grow. I love teaching them, and caring for them, so it seems fit that this is where I ended up. And with a wonderful happy family at that.

Self Discovery

I’m Happy. Really Happy.

It’s not like before I was necessarily unhappy. But somehow now I feel… happy on purpose. Does that make sense? Like sitting in my car in the morning sipping on my coffee actively thinking I am happy today kind of happy. Isn’t that great? I’m becoming more of my own person in Charlotte I think. Welcome to the road of my self discovery. Does it get better than this?

Sep 22
2014

Soul Crusher

By Natalie

If I never had to job hunt again my heart would be content.. It is an absolute soul crusher. Each day I focus my efforts into applying for positions I’m not even sure I qualify for. I leave it for them to decide. Spending hours and hours sifting through positions, searching for their locations only to be responded to with a sorry not sorry We’ve filled the position email. The other day I found myself 60% of the way through an application. Too far to let that time go to waste, and too much time has passed on previous applications to lean on their dependency. But there I sat, eyes peering in a confused manor at the screen. 60% of the way through said application listed a number of items to be placed in order. These things were to be placed in the order of your importance. Or rather that you felt were morally correct. I don’t even remember I was so stunned.

I looked to my left and the first line read Wedding Vows. Alright, perfect, that’ll go on top. Next was Baby. I placed that on the second line. The items that proceeded were a random assortment of things including:

Trash
A Mathematician
A Scientist
Terrorist Attack
Slavery
Torture

Okayyy.. I must be mistaken. I was under the impression that I was applying to be a receptionist in a retirement community. Is this really necessary? Did I click the wrong link? It was the most ridiculous waste of time. But needless to say I did finish the application because how could I not? I’m in search of work. One can only hold but so many conversations with her dog. I’m in need of some human interaction during the day time, so I go on searching, and searching. Because what if The Job was just on the next page? What if it was the one that I didn’t finish the application to because I’m so tired of filling out my 100th 40 page personality questionnaire? Yes, yes, I strongly agree. I strongly agree that I am just tired of searching, and am growing rather disappointed. I just want to meet you, and tell you how hard I’d work! How organized I am, and how perfect I’d be for the job!

These are the things that haunt me at night.

I loved my last position as a rehab tech. I had the opportunity to work with so many great therapists, who taught me so much. I got to be with kiddos all day which was just perfect, because who doesn’t want to just sit on a mat table after lunch and play Candy Land with a 6 year old? Blow bubbles until your cheeks hurt? Or shoot hot wheels cars off of a ramp to make a crying boy smile in amazement? I could go on… I miss it, I really kinda do. All I was hoping for was something sort of similar down here in Charlotte. Something I enjoy.

Just the other night I had this dream, and I know that dream stories can be a drag, but bare with me this one was vivid..

So I’m sitting in this circle of people. They’re having a meeting in the center of a gym, and for some reason I’m attending although I don’t work there. Don’t ask how I got there. One woman talks about how employees need to clean up the area they’ve used when they’re finished. Another woman says she’s tired of taking the dirty toy bin home to sanitize the toys each night. I look off to the left and I see an exercise ball. Off to the right, and there’s a stationary bike. I’m sitting somewhere that feels familiar, when I’ve found that I’m living in a place that is so different. “I could help with that.” I say. “I’m a rehab technician, I can keep the place organized for you, and even help with patients if you need. I have lots of experience.”

Can you believe this??

Then I find myself in room full of PTs observing my form while demonstrating pulleys for benefits of the shoulder. They all nod in surprise, and continue to observe as I demonstrate a perfect squat with steady knees, and perfect form.

It’s hilarious right? I seriously had a dream I was doing PT. You better believe Brandon and I had a laugh when I awoke and told him of my nightly adventures. Therapy is in my blood apparently. It must be.

Sep 17
2014

From the Inspiration Board

By Natalie

Every now and then as it is with most hobbies I hit a bit of a wall. Almost overwhelmed with stories, and opinions to share that I don’t even know where to begin.

Sometimes it takes a cup of hot coffee, sweetened with cream to get me going…

Sometimes it takes me reading a chapter or two in my latest engrossed novel…

Sometimes it takes a lit sweet scented candle or two…

Sometimes it takes sitting in the sunlight, and observing my surroundings…

Sometimes it takes silence, sometimes it takes ambience…

Sometimes it takes a little searching for things that inspire me.

Most times that’s found in photos that hold stories behind them. Photos of pretty things, and happy places. Even words that I desire to live by. You can find most of my Inspiration for writing on my Pinterest Inspiration Board.

Shall We Take a Look?

Feel free to follow!

Sep 1
2014

Be Still & Know

By Natalie

This is an admiration letter from me to my creator. Just so you know. I had one of those moments on a plane recently. One where I felt so small, in such a massive world.

birds eye

Oh God, how can anyone deny your existence when they see beautiful earth? You’ve so delicately placed every field of wildflowers. So tremendously raised every mountain. Yet we believe the earth to be ours. But, God I am not so selfish. I am not so fooled. I’ve flown over this land. I’ve seen your painting, and it’s gorgeous. Your widespread oceans, your fields of green. Then, if you look hard enough, there’s us. Teeny tiny little people in the center of all your creation. There we are trying to figure it all out on our own. How silly that seems from above. You alone are the one to put our trust in. You alone are the great artist. If only we would be still and know.

Natalie

Aug 25
2014

A House Plant Takeover

By Natalie

Every now and then I find it necessary to simply share a rambling… No deep thoughts today, just a little something I’ve been oogling over.

We have this window ledge which you may have noticed in my last post and I’m just in love with it.

In the afternoon when the sun is slowly lowering itself in the sky it peeks through this window, and graces everything inside with its beautiful rays.

We all appreciate a large front window around here.

I have a few plants up there, courtesy of my sister in law Ashley who is certain that I have a green thumb somewhere deep down. Her garden is a daydream, and she’s basically the best at growing sunflowers in Fredericksburg, she has the blue ribbons to prove it.

Couldn’t you just hide in there all day with a good book?

I don’t know if I get overwhelmed with the amount of work it takes to build an outdoor garden, or if I just don’t have the knack for it… but I can’t seem to keep outdoor plants alive. One day though, I promise myself I will grow my own vegetables. Anything indoors I can care for. Those few houseplants I have sitting on the ledge in our living room have started to give me a hankering for a whole lot more plants.

As if that weren’t enough we had no internet last week, so one night we found ourselves watching old episodes of Three’s Company which my sister and I used to love watching together. That’s were I noticed how many plants they had in the apartment.

Thus began my search for an indoor garden.

Too much? But oh.. friend, I looove it. I always did want to explore the jungle.

I want it all, a massive indoor garden with air purifying plants on that window ledge.

Plus, there’s all sorts of studies on how plants are stress reducers. Why not? It’s nature in you house!

My goodness don’t even get me started on getting a full on tree in here.

Maybe I’ll go simple to start, and see how I like it. Become an indoor gardener first, before I decide to conquer the outside.

Jul 14
2014

What Happens in San Francisco Lasts Forever

By Natalie

This has been a week full of dreamy lovey posts, I know. I’m sorry, but remember my writing derives from the deepest feelings within me, and these days I just so happen to be smitten.

Now yes, It’s time to address that picture. I got a tattoo! [Insert your shocked faces here] It’s something that I’ve wanted for a long long time, and I figured well, there’s no time like the present. Right?

If you know my story you know I grew up with an absent father. You know we moved around, all the time. I talk about it quite a bit, because I’ve chosen to allow my circumstances mold me into a better version on myself. Sometimes I think about who I could have become, and how I could have given up hope so easily. How I could continue to be angry with someone who is no longer in my life. I could be a not so nice person, and have the perfect excuse. But then, I would never be happy.. I am so thankful for my mother’s prayers, and God’s protection over my sister’s and I. I am also incredibly grateful for my loving husband and his family who have taught me that love can last forever.

I still don’t know where our future will lead us. I’ve felt like a wanderer for a long time. That is why I’ve had an obsession with compasses, because I’ve always felt like I lacked direction. About a year ago I had the idea to get a tattoo of a compass and then I thought maybe I’d like to incorporate Brandon in there somehow. Since wherever he is now, is my home. And then I got a lot of slack for having anything on my body that had to do with someone else. Because “You never know what could happen.” STOP. My heart was broken. My throat sank to my stomach, not for fear of separation from my husband but for the world. Do we live in a world now where things are so disposable? That one day you are bound to fall out of love with your spouse, or they will do something unforgivable or worse, you will. It’s only a matter of time. It breaks my heart I tell you. Marriages are meant to last. Otherwise what’s the point of vows?

I am someone who had built solid walls around myself to guard all my vulnerability, all my love, everything. And then Brandon came along with a sledgehammer and tore it all down. And there I stood with God whispering in my ear that it was ok, and I didn’t have to fear abandonment anymore. That love can last forever with Him in the center.

I found it so easy to have something permanent etched into my skin that had to do with B. I asked the artist to place our anniversary date at the North of the compass. As he did it, it was of course painful, but it was also more relieving than I could ever try to explain to you. It’s a constant reminder that love can be permanent. That marriage can last until the end of your days. And then of course I get the whole “What if Brandon stops breathing tomorrow!?” If Brandon stopped breathing tomorrow he will continue to be a huge part of my life would he not? He would continue to be the one who taught me to face my fear.. So there. That’s my confession for the day. Now say what you will…

This tattoo was done by Jordan Mitchell, at Black & Blue tattoo in San Francisco, CA. You can follow his work here. I’d highly recommend him, if you’re ever out that way.

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