Archive of ‘Confessions’ category

The Story of Samson

By Natalie

All my life I had longed to have the companionship of a dog. Believing that dog’s were simply too much responsibility my mom always seemed to settle with cats. The cats were alright, but they just weren’t what I had always wanted. Brandon had grown up with dogs around and promised that the day we got a house we could have a dog. Disclaimer: there is a certain quality in me that I’m not necessarily proud of, but I cannot deny. When I’m given hope for something in the future I want it as soon as possible. The closer it gets the more frustrated I get, and beg to have it sooner than anticipated. B calls it ‘light at the end of the tunnel syndrome’.

When the offer was accepted on our house we began our search for our new family member. One sunny Sunday afternoon we decided to go to Petsmart where the Orange County Animal Shelter was holding adoptions. That’s were I fell in love with our Samson. I had taken a particular liking to him, and the volunteers must have noticed, as they asked us if we’d like to take him for a walk. We stepped outside and this big goof of a dog strolled about like he was the happiest dog in the world. There was no doubt in my mind that he was the dog for me. I couldn’t resist his adorable big head that I could kiss all day long.

We went home and thought about our decision to adopt him. The closer we came to closing on our house the more we felt like he was the dog for us. Immediately after signing papers to close on our house we drove to the Orange County Animal Shelter to adopt our boy. The whole time we were there I was giddy with excitement.

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Our first family photo  was taken the day we closed on our house. I couldn’t have been more delighted. He was my first dog in our first house.

Dog ownership was even better than I had envisioned. I loved having Samson around when B was out so I didn’t have to be by myself. I loved the way he had to lay behind me while I cooked and washed dishes. I loved seeing his excitement when we arrived home from a long day. I loved how cuddly he got when he was sleepy at night. I loved waking up with blurry vision and seeing him there laying beside me, not a care in the world. You could see in his eyes that he was grateful to have a new happy home.

We gave Samson a chance, which is more than most people would have done. We did our research, and we found that we were up to the task of caring for a fun loving muscular dog. That’s one of those things that I continually try to remind myself. We rescued him, and loved him with no judgement. I wouldn’t ever change that even if I was granted the opportunity. I had my sweet boy for under a month when he was taken. It’s a wonder how in under a month I was able to grow so fond of him. He had a chance to meet family and friends. He had numerous nicknames including Sammy Sosa which just kind of came out one day, and stuck. He was spoiled by my friend Chloe who saw no fault in him. He enjoyed multiple firsts with his new parents. Moments I’ll never forget like his first bath, which was more of a wrestling match between the three of us…

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Look at that smile!!

So often we read the news articles and sympathize with the victim, with good reason. The innocent deserve to be sympathized. It is rare to ever hear the other side of the story. I feel as if it’s time to tell it. Not just for me, but for all those who are on the other side. We sit in shame, and guilt, all the while accepting punches from others for fear of what they might say if we defend ourselves. Samson ripped a metal stake out of the ground right before my eyes, and bit another dog. It was a moment that will forever be stained in my memory. I understand the victim. Trust me I do. But I’m tired of pretending like I wasn’t hurt in this situation. As B put it “How must the parents feel of the children who orchestrated terrifying school shootings, and threats. Parents of the victims are angry, and grievous. but the parents of shooters… how must they feel?” Will you sit back and deny the fact that they are grievous as well? For losing their own children, and feeling responsible. What I went through was so minuscule in comparison. I don’t expect you to understand, I honestly don’t. It’s a difficult thing for people to accept the fact that those people are suffering as well. I do however urge you to take these words to heart.

We enjoyed every bit of this dog leading up to that traumatic day. My mind is full of ‘If onlys’ . It is full of regret. Not regret of adopting Samson, but regret for bruising his breed name. Regret of being in the front yard that day. Regret of not protecting Samson. Never did I ever believe I would have to go through such a difficult series of events. Until I find the strength to capture the memory of that day I will leave you with all I have left of him. My memories.

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My Top 10 Suggested Reads

By Natalie

If you asked me where I was when I read a certain book I could tell you. If you asked me how I felt at a climactic moment in a book, I could tell you. Books have this way of capturing a point in time, almost like any other sense that brings you back to a moment. A sound, a smell, a taste, a feeling, a story. I owe my love for reading to my sister Nadir. It started with her offering to help me read a book for school. The very next day she admit to me that she had finished the book because it was so captivating. Of course I had to see what she was talking about. I made myself comfortable in our big wingback chair and cracked the book open. For the very first time I fell in love with reading. When I say I fell in love I mean I fell in love with all of it. I love to cozy up with a book, not knowing what to expect next. I love turning each page, and getting excited for how close I am to the end. I love the first sentence, to the slow middles, to the satisfying endings. (more…)

A Humerous Email

By Natalie

I often feel the urge to write when I’m at work. It’s much like feeling a craving come on that needs to be satisfied. So what am I to do when I’m at work and feel the urge to write? I look for inspiration around the office, and occasionally express my writing in email form. The following is an email I typed up to my manager.

Subject: Potential Heart & Soul Award goes to… Kristen Suchocki!

Alison,

While you were away it came to my attention this Thursday night that around 5:30pm Kristen was really getting into her therapy. I stepped out of the front office to find another thing to add to our burdensome Thursday. A broken stool. She has been so dedicated to her patients, wheeling all around them.. Stabilizing them, mobilizing them, making them feel all better, you know. She thought all was well in the world of Kristen until suddenly to her dismay the wheel of her stool broke off! Shattered might I add. It’s ok, don’t fret, our beloved PT was just fine finishing her session in crouch position. However, we can’t stand aside and expect her to be able to meet her full therapist potential in uncomfortable positions. She is a bride to be! You remember the stress, right? We must make her comfortable.

Our poor Kristen now desires a nice new long lasting stool. We know the expenses for Stafford are great. We also want you to know that we greatly appreciate all of the therapy materials you have provided us with. Do you think that maybe there would be any way we could get our poor Kristen a new stool?

Sincerely,

A very bummed out Kristen, and Natalie

Wasn’t that much more entertaining to read than Kristen broke the stool? Ok now go run out into the gym and take a look at it!

Happy Friday!

How Having An Absent Father Affects a Girl

By Natalie

A message to all those ungrateful daughters out there. 

It is due time. Due time for me to get this off my chest. There are too many girls out there who need to hear it whether they are a victim to it, or ungrateful for what they have. There are too many fathers out there who need to hear it. Whether they are teetering on the edge of being absent in their daughter’s life, or still adoring his sweet baby girl.

Most who are close to me have heard the story, and every time I share my thoughts on the subject my younger self heals a bit more. My father wasn’t absent in my life so that I could cry over it every day, and feel sorry for myself. What would be the point of that? So I’d pray for a purpose and ask God why I was a victim to feeling so meaningless. Over the years I’ve found the best I can do is share my story with others. In hopes to change lives. In hopes of bringing fathers and daughters closer together for both of their sake.

There were days when we were dating that Brandon would tell me he loved me. Sure, I thought. You love me. But my Dad told me he loved me all the time. Yet somehow it was fine for him to contact me 3 times a year, and see me twice a year. Is that really love? I hardly knew the man honestly. It was weird you know, to have dinner with a man who I was so much like in appearance, and taste, yet he was a complete stranger to me. B always tells me he loves me, and I know he means it because he is there for me. It’s as simple as that.

All through our dating relationship I was convinced I wasn’t good enough. I was always confused as to why B stuck around. Nobody had done that before, and I kind of didn’t know how to handle it. If there’s anything that I was frustrated with my father about most it was the fact that his absence made me incredibly fearful. And fear has a way of creeping into relationships. He was never around. He never hurt me physically, but he wrecked me emotionally. Then one random day B looked me in the eyes without any hesitation and said I will never leave you. They were the most shocking, emotional, and relieving words I’d never thought I would hear. I hadn’t even realized I was needing to hear them until he said them. With complete sincerity, and a wondrous amount of love he shattered my past wounds. No girl who has an absent father needs to be a victim to her past, and every woman deserves to love with hope, trust, and freedom.

Father Daughter Dances

There are girls out there that roll their eyes at their father in embarrassment, and my heart aches every time I see it. Is he really all so bad? Has he supported you? Has he been present in your life? Has he said he loves you, raised you, hugged you? Shall I repeat? Is he really all so bad? These are the things I craved, and still do. A Dad who tells silly jokes, tucks you in at night, makes you feel safe and protected. Sure he may be a bit embarrassing but he wishes the best for you, and provides for you. Be grateful for that father daughter dance you will have at your wedding which was robbed from mine. Think in that moment about how blessed you are to have a man who raised you pass you off to the man who will take care of you for the rest of your life. My sisters and I, as I’m sure most girls like us do, will always cry our eyes out during a father daughter dance. It’s longing for that moment that we never experienced, and that relationship that was nonexistent. But it’s also hope, that there are good dads out there who care.

So if you are a dad, you can make more of an impact on your daughter than you believe, simply by expressing your love for her. If you’re a daughter, tell your Dad you love him. If you are still hurting from a broken past, know that all is not lost. There are days that I still struggle, and question, as I’m sure my older sisters do as well. There is no shame in feeling abandoned. But know that you are worth something! You do not have to live in fear that every man will leave you.

It seems appropriate to dedicate this post to a few good men. First and foremost Brandon, who taught me true love. My generous Father-in-law who’s been the best dad to me, and every dad I’ve seen giggling with his girl, you have all been a part of my healing.

A Message From the Heart

By Natalie

Sometimes one must write down their thoughts in order to make sense of things.

If there’s one thing I’m ready for in my life it’s complete honesty. Beginning with myself, and then to others. No person, and no task gets very far without sincerity. I figure if I actually plan on passionately pursuing my writing this time around then I need to lay it it all out. The good, the ugly, and the just plain depressing. The only way I am truly able to express myself is through being genuine. I have so many stories to tell, and dreams to hope towards that have been overflowing in my mind. It’s about time I do myself a favor and organize my thoughts. I’ve needed a place to stash all of my memories. A place to share my blessings, and a place to simply ramble.

I’ll start with something simple to break the ice… it seems appropriate in this moment to make a somewhat embarrassing confession. I absolutely love Pork Rinds. I know, such a small thing. Yet I would never admit it to people, or even purchase them, for risk of what people will think of me. Even my husband! This is the man who sees me at my worst when I am sick, when I am exhausted, and when I’m grumpy before breakfast. How could I be so embarrassed to tell him that I would much prefer a bag of pork rinds than a box of chocolates every now and then? Not often of course. I mean goodness could you think of something less healthy? Just very rarely, it’d be nice to splurge on my favorite snack.

I am proud to say that the cat is finally out of the bag! I love pork rinds! There, I said it, and I’ll tell you a secret… I feel a million times lighter.

 

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