Archive of ‘Confessions’ category

On Being an Introvert

By Natalie

imageThe more time I spend in Charlotte the more I discover a little bit more about myself. Which is really what we were hoping for with this move. We’ve entered into a week of rainy days, and cloud cover around here and I can’t help but confess that I sort of love it. While mud puddles, and cold, wet feet are absolutely no fun the cold gloom gives me this sense of coziness. I, my good friends, am an introvert. If I could have my way when greeting you for the first time it’d go a little somehing like this…

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You see, I am fond of books, and Netflix binges, and fuzzy socks, and my couch with cozy pilows and blankets. I am fond of keeping my home, my personal space tidy, and inviting. I am fond of my craft room where I’m able to put my creativity to practical use. On a rainy day I want to snuggle up at home. On sunny days I want to go on dog walks in the park, and out for coffee on my own.

imageIt’s who I am, it’s why I’m best understood through writing, and I think I’m ready to stop being ashamed of it, and help others understand their fellow introverts. I’m not lonely, I’m not bored, I’m simply recharging when I wish to stay in.

imageKnow that if you have an introverted friend they are not always going to want to make an event of things, or be around a ton of people. Especially people they’ve never met. But if you have an introverted friend you must be extra special, because if they have deemed you worthy of their time you must be pretty rad.

Now that you have a better understanding of how I happen to be wired here’s some Introvert myths I’m ready to bust.

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I wanted to say “Oh yes Myth 1, and 6, and 10 are all so true.” But really they’re all right on, and you’d do well to take our word for it. Thanks for listening friends, I’ll step off my soap box, put my jammies on, and make myself some hot cocoa now. Cause that’s what I do.

This Introvert is done for the day.


Autumn Dog Walks

By Natalie

image1Recently I went on a walk with the puppy on possibly one of the last warmer days here in Charlotte. Does it get any better than this? It was a white t-shirt, dark denims kind of day. Where the sunlight kissed the pond after a fabulous date, and left it sparkling.

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Bingley was overdue for a long long walk. You wanna know how I knew? Because a couple nights before he began barking at me continuously to play, and then proceeded to run around in circles chasing his tail… This went on for a while.. Until eventually he got dizzy, and waddled off to the side of the room.

As Bingley and I passed the bridge we came across a photographer which is a usual occurrence at Freedom Park. Her lens was pointed toward a twitter-paited couple nuzzling noses. The woman wore a short fluffy white dress and a veil. The man wore a fitted suit. A neatly wrapped bouquet of flowers lay beside the photographer. It was some sort of wedding shoot. But on a Wednesday? Perhaps it was an after the wedding session. Whatever they were there for, they seemed to capture the attention of all passerby.

Then, careening downhill came a young boy on a bike. His eyes peeked out from under his helmet, as his hands gripped the handle bars. His dad was jogging behind him, arms out, and ready for anything. The little boy thrust the handlebars side to side in desperate attempt to keep his bike upright. His training wheels were fresh off, and this was his big day. What an event to witness.

His smile was wide, even through his wobbliness. “Mommy! I did it! I did it!” he yelled. A woman with sunglasses and running shorts yelled up to him. “Good job baby!” After a few more steps I began to pass her stumbling behind her daughter’s bike. She whispered encouragements to the little girl who was taking on the slight hill with more caution than her brother. I smiled at them as we passed. This was quite possibly the sweetest scene I’ve witnessed all week. I’m not sure what could even top it next week. As we were going in opposite directions I passed this family of four a few more times. And with each passing I saw the kiddos get better and better. They grew more confidence, and were cycling straighter paths without the aide of their parents. It was adorable.

During this wonderful walk, and all of my people watching I had a thought. “Have I ever been the source of someone’s inspiration?” Young woman walks giant black lab briskly. Young woman discreetly takes photos of trees, and pet. Or so she thinks.

I was inspired by everyone at the park that day, who’s to say I didn’t inspire them? Not just the family teaching their children to ride bikes, or the photo session couple. But the boy sitting on the quiet bench by the ducks working on his laptop. The woman across the way from my bench that sat cross legged on her blanket under the willow tree engrossed in a novel. The old man that sat on his cooler holding onto his fishing pole leisurely. It was the perfect day, with a laid back kind of afternoon. I’m going to enjoy them while they’re here I think. Just until the winter months. Go on trees, keep those leaves changing. And wind keep those cool breezes coming.. We’re loving it out here.

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Discoveries & the Like

By Natalie

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Hello October. We missed you. I’m satisfied with the tan I’ve acquired this summer, and all the change that’s happened. I think I’m ready to settle inside with some pumpkin bread, cinnamon scents, hot apple cider, and a shared blanket with my love. When will the leaves turn October? I can’t wait to see them. Those rich crimsons, and bright yellows. They give me fuzzies inside. Well that and the cooler weather you’ve brought along. That puts the fuzzies right in my throat, and nose.

Last weekend the Poe household was a sad bunch. B caught a bug from work, and inevitably passed it on to me. We never do well with temperature change. There’s always one bad cold to prove it. As if we weren’t pitiful enough ourselves we noticed one night while sipping our tea that Bingley was flapping his ears all around. He started shaking his head like he was trying desperately shake something out. Upon taking him to the vet we discovered he had a yeast infection in his ears. Said infection was to be treated by shoving medicine covered cotton balls around his ears. It was a sad way to spend a weekend friends.

Around here lately Brandon and I have gone through more changes, and discoveries. Bare with me while I utilize some fun buttons I don’t use nearly enough on this beautiful blog?

Inanimate Discovery

We’ve found that our fireplace is not really a fireplace at all, but rather a projected light dancing around as to mimic flames, and a separate switch for a heater, if you so wish. How silly is that? When did artificial, and convenience so suddenly take over the natural, and original? The more I enjoy the modern, the more I miss the simple. It’s a mystery.

The Best Chocolate Milk on Earth

Allow me to introduce to you the best chocolate milk on earth.

milk Move over Nesquik you’ve got nothing on Promised Land. Ok, I never really drank Nesquik anyway. My mother was convinced it was powdered cavities when I was young, and when I was old enough to deviously try it myself it was terribly disappointing. Thus leaving me to satisfy my chocolate milk cravings with Malt Ovaltine. Until now.

Originally I purchased this Chocolate milk in Publix solely based off of the appearance. Gosh I’m a sucker for purchasing things on appearance. I admit it. I’m a marketer’s dream. Brandon of course suspected my reasons for purchase and continued to state how it wasn’t all that great. That’s where he was wrong! I may have bought this based on appearance at first, but this milk has proven itself! So thick, creamy and rich. It’s clearly blog worthy.

I haven’t even gotten to the best part of the grocery trip. We proceed to the check out where the girl unloading the cart goes “This is the best chocolate milk ever!” My eyes grew 2 inches wider I swear to you. Then the cashier joins in. “Yes! That milk is the best!” the voice in my head screams “You are kidding me.” So I look over at B with a smirk. He shakes his head, and chuckles. I live for these moments. Gosh Brandon is so smart. And when I get backed up on something, or know something he didn’t, I get so excited. Not in an I told you so kind of way, but in a yay, I knew something you didn’t kind of way. So what it’s an opinion. I’ll take it. I’m not really sure if anyone can understand this other than my sister in law Ashley. Cause our husbands are brothers, and so much alike. Troubleshooting fiends those men. Technology cowers in their presence.

Work Discovery

I’ve been walking around with a burp cloth on my shoulder. Warming up bottles. Picking up crayon bits from the corners of a playroom. Shoveling sand in a sandbox. Reading aloud until my throat is dry. Tickling little ones, and delighting in their smiles. I’m filling my weekdays with caring for kiddos. And spending the weekends missing them. I’m a nanny now, and loving it. I take it pretty seriously you know. Like Mary Poppins serious. I even have the large nanny bag to prove it. I love watching kids grow. I love teaching them, and caring for them, so it seems fit that this is where I ended up. And with a wonderful happy family at that.

Self Discovery

I’m Happy. Really Happy.

It’s not like before I was necessarily unhappy. But somehow now I feel… happy on purpose. Does that make sense? Like sitting in my car in the morning sipping on my coffee actively thinking I am happy today kind of happy. Isn’t that great? I’m becoming more of my own person in Charlotte I think. Welcome to the road of my self discovery. Does it get better than this?

 

Soul Crusher

By Natalie

If I never had to job hunt again my heart would be content.. It is an absolute soul crusher. Each day I focus my efforts into applying for positions I’m not even sure I qualify for. I leave it for them to decide. Spending hours and hours sifting through positions, searching for their locations only to be responded to with a sorry not sorry We’ve filled the position email. The other day I found myself 60% of the way through an application. Too far to let that time go to waste, and too much time has passed on previous applications to lean on their dependency. But there I sat, eyes peering in a confused manor at the screen. 60% of the way through said application listed a number of items to be placed in order. These things were to be placed in the order of your importance. Or rather that you felt were morally correct. I don’t even remember I was so stunned.

I looked to my left and the first line read Wedding Vows. Alright, perfect, that’ll go on top. Next was Baby. I placed that on the second line. The items that proceeded were a random assortment of things including:

  • Trash
  • A Mathematician
  • A Scientist
  • Terrorist Attack
  • Slavery
  • Torture 

Okayyy.. I must be mistaken. I was under the impression that I was applying to be a receptionist in a retirement community. Is this really necessary? Did I click the wrong link? It was the most ridiculous waste of time. But needless to say I did finish the application because how could I not? I’m in search of work. One can only hold but so many conversations with her dog. I’m in need of some human interaction during the day time, so I go on searching, and searching. Because what if The Job was just on the next page? What if it was the one that I didn’t finish the application to because I’m so tired of filling out my 100th  40 page personality questionnaire? Yes, yes, I strongly agree. I strongly agree that I am just tired of searching, and am growing rather disappointed. I just want to meet you, and tell you how hard I’d work! How organized I am, and how perfect I’d be for the job!

These are the things that haunt me at night.

I loved my last position as a rehab tech. I had the opportunity to work with so many great therapists, who taught me so much. I got to be with kiddos all day which was just perfect, because who doesn’t want to just sit on a mat table after lunch and play Candy Land with a 6 year old? Blow bubbles until your cheeks hurt? Or shoot hot wheels cars off of a ramp to make a crying boy smile in amazement? I could go on… I miss it, I really kinda do. All I was hoping for was something sort of similar down here in Charlotte. Something I enjoy.

Just the other night I had this dream, and I know that dream stories can be a drag, but bare with me this one was vivid..

So I’m sitting in this circle of people. They’re having a meeting in the center of a gym, and for some reason I’m attending although I don’t work there. Don’t ask how I got there. One woman talks about how employees need to clean up the area they’ve used when they’re finished. Another woman says she’s tired of taking the dirty toy bin home to sanitize the toys each night. I look off to the left and I see an exercise ball. Off to the right, and there’s a stationary bike. I’m sitting somewhere that feels familiar, when I’ve found that I’m living in a place that is so different. “I could help with that.” I say. “I’m a rehab technician, I can keep the place organized for you, and even help with patients if you need. I have lots of experience.”

Can you believe this??

Then I find myself in room full of PTs observing my form while demonstrating pulleys for benefits of the shoulder. They all nod in surprise, and continue to observe as I demonstrate a perfect squat with steady knees, and perfect form.

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It’s hilarious right? I seriously had a dream I was doing PT. You better believe Brandon and I had a laugh when I awoke and told him of my nightly adventures. Therapy is in my blood apparently. It must be.

From the Inspiration Board

By Natalie

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Every now and then as it is with most hobbies I hit a bit of a wall. Almost overwhelmed with stories, and opinions to share that I don’t even know where to begin.

Sometimes it takes a cup of hot coffee, sweetened with cream to get me going…

Sometimes it takes me reading a chapter or two in my latest engrossed novel…

Sometimes it takes a lit sweet scented candle or two…

Sometimes it takes sitting in the sunlight, and observing my surroundings…

Sometimes it takes silence, sometimes it takes ambience…

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Sometimes it takes a little searching for things that inspire me.

Most times that’s found in photos that hold stories behind them. Photos of pretty things, and happy places. Even words that I desire to live by. You can find most of my Inspiration for writing on my Pinterest Inspiration Board.

Shall We Take a Look?

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Feel free to follow!

Be Still & Know

By Natalie

This is an admiration letter from me to my creator. Just so you know. I had one of those moments on a plane recently. One where I felt so small, in such a massive world.

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Oh God, how can anyone deny your existence when they see beautiful earth? You’ve so delicately placed every field of wildflowers. So tremendously raised every mountain. Yet we believe the earth to be ours. But, God I am not so selfish. I am not so fooled. I’ve flown over this land. I’ve seen your painting, and it’s gorgeous. Your widespread oceans, your fields of green. Then, if you look hard enough, there’s us. Teeny tiny little people in the center of all your creation. There we are trying to figure it all out on our own. How silly that seems from above. You alone are the one to put our trust in. You alone are the great artist. If only we would be still and know.

Natalie

A House Plant Takeover

By Natalie

Every now and then I find it necessary to simply share a rambling… No deep thoughts today, just a little something I’ve been oogling over.

We have this window ledge which you may have noticed in my last post and I’m just in love with it. photo 4

In the afternoon when the sun is slowly lowering itself in the sky it peeks through this window, and graces everything inside with its beautiful rays.

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We all appreciate a large front window around here.

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I have a few plants up there, courtesy of my sister in law Ashley who is certain that I have a green thumb somewhere deep down. Her garden is a daydream, and she’s basically the best at growing sunflowers in Fredericksburg, she has the blue ribbons to prove it.

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Couldn’t you just hide in there all day with a good book?

I don’t know if I get overwhelmed with the amount of work it takes to build an outdoor garden, or if I just don’t have the knack for it… but I can’t seem to keep outdoor plants alive. One day though, I promise myself I will grow my own vegetables. Anything indoors I can care for. Those few houseplants I have sitting on the ledge in our living room have started to give me a hankering for a whole lot more plants.

As if that weren’t enough we had no internet last week, so one night we found ourselves watching old episodes of Three’s Company which my sister and I used to love watching together. That’s were I noticed how many plants they had in the apartment.

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Thus began my search for an indoor garden.

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Too much? But oh.. friend, I looove it. I always did want to explore the jungle.

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I want it all, a massive indoor garden with air purifying plants on that window ledge.

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Plus, there’s all sorts of studies on how plants are stress reducers. Why not? It’s nature in you house!

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My goodness don’t even get me started on getting a full on tree in here.

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Maybe I’ll go simple to start, and see how I like it. Become an indoor gardener first, before I decide to conquer the outside.

What Happens in San Francisco Lasts Forever

By Natalie

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This has been a week full of dreamy lovey posts, I know. I’m sorry, but remember my writing derives from the deepest feelings within me, and these days I just so happen to be smitten.

Now yes, It’s time to address that picture. I got a tattoo! [Insert your shocked faces here] It’s something that I’ve wanted for a long long time, and I figured well, there’s no time like the present. Right?

If you know my story you know I grew up with an absent father. You know we moved around, all the time. I talk about it quite a bit, because I’ve chosen to allow my circumstances mold me into a better version on myself. Sometimes I think about who I could have become, and how I could have given up hope so easily. How I could continue to be angry with someone who is no longer in my life. I could be a not so nice person, and have the perfect excuse. But then, I would never be happy.. I am so thankful for my mother’s prayers, and God’s protection over my sister’s and I. I am also incredibly grateful for my loving husband and his family who have taught me that love can last forever.

I still don’t know where our future will lead us. I’ve felt like a wanderer for a long time. That is why I’ve had an obsession with compasses, because I’ve always felt like I lacked direction. About a year ago I had the idea to get a tattoo of a compass and then I thought maybe I’d like to incorporate Brandon in there somehow. Since wherever he is now, is my home. And then I got a lot of slack for having anything on my body that had to do with someone else. Because “You never know what could happen.” STOP. My heart was broken. My throat sank to my stomach, not for fear of separation from my husband but for the world. Do we live in a world now where things are so disposable? That one day you are bound to fall out of love with your spouse, or they will do something unforgivable or worse, you will. It’s only a matter of time. It breaks my heart I tell you. Marriages are meant to last. Otherwise what’s the point of vows?

I am someone who had built solid walls around myself to guard all my vulnerability, all my love, everything. And then Brandon came along with a sledgehammer and tore it all down. And there I stood with God whispering in my ear that it was ok, and I didn’t have to fear abandonment anymore. That love can last forever with Him in the center.

I found it so easy to have something permanent etched into my skin that had to do with B. I asked the artist to place our anniversary date at the North of the compass. As he did it, it was of course painful, but it was also more relieving than I could ever try to explain to you. It’s a constant reminder that love can be permanent. That marriage can last until the end of your days. And then of course I get the whole “What if Brandon stops breathing tomorrow!?” If Brandon stopped breathing tomorrow he will continue to be a huge part of my life would he not? He would continue to be the one who taught me to face my fear.. So there. That’s my confession for the day. Now say what you will…


This tattoo was done by Jordan Mitchell, at Black & Blue tattoo in San Francisco, CA. You can follow his work here. I’d highly recommend him, if you’re ever out that way.

Samson, My Samson

By Natalie

Today I miss you.

Most days I miss you.

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The sweet dog smell that I loved to take in for the first time in my life. I miss our cuddles. I miss how you laid behind me while I cooked. I miss how happy you would get when we’d come home. I miss your sweet low groans when you’d get excited about something.

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I loved watching you play. I loved rescuing you. I loved giving you a home. I loved the feeling of attachment I had with you. But it made it so much harder. I can’t explain to you the traumatizing emotions I felt when I had to see you in the shelter after you were taken away. Dozens of dogs barked constantly around you. Volunteers screaming behind closed doors. And there you sat in your own filth because who has the time to take out a dog who’s on death row? I want to forget the nightmare. I want to ignore that they never gave you the toys I left. I want to forget how you whined in confusion while you watched me walk away.

But I never want to forget the last time I held you. In that small little room, just the three of us, and with tears in my eyes I tried my best to apologize to you.

I am so sorry my Samson. Sorry I couldn’t give you a better life. Sorry the opinions of people hold so much value. But thanks sweet boy, for being such a joy to me while I had you. For teaching Brandon and I to grow closer together through it all. For showing us who true friends are. And simply for being the light in my life that you were.

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The Trouble with Reviews

By Natalie

What is our trouble with unhappy endings? I’m not just talking about the stories that end poorly, I’m talking about the stories with unsatisfying endings. They get to us. And there we are pleading desperately for more closure. I recently stopped by the library downtown to pick up a couple of books. Because books lately have been a healthy food to my mind. I just needed to pick up a few quick reads to get me through the weekend. I finished a book called The Spectacular Now by Tim Tharp, and it was a book that caused me to think. Which is more than I could ask for in an author. The story was kind of tragic really. But the more I think about it the more I attach myself to the story.

The trouble with book reviews and any review for that matter is that everyone has differing opinions. I become frustrated with the people who rate everything 5 stars because not everything is worthy of 5 stars. But I also grow frustrated when I see people rate stories so poorly. There’s just too great of a spectrum. Too many different genres to compare one from the other. You must compare mysteries on the scale of other mysteries. Classics on the scale of other classics. Just because something was a different genre doesn’t necessarily mean that it is worse. Different stories speak to different people.

Let’s unpack this for a second. Reviews should be based on such things as storyline and character development. Intrigue certainly has grounds to be judged, for what good is a story if it does not capture you? Emotion of all things certainly should not have a large role in a review, because we are all innately biased. We are creatures of opinion, with differing morals, and all walks of life. This is why it frustrates me when people rate a story too low simply because they do not agree with the lifestyle of the characters.

Upon finishing The Spectacular Now I felt so empty. Before giving this book a low review I stopped to think… In a way the author did his job. I felt just as empty as the main character of the story. And isn’t that the point? To relate with in some way, to feel what the characters feel? To emerge yourself in the story and be overcome with emotion over the characters. Ok ok you’re about to have an intervention with me. Natalie… too many books. Never. Like I said, reading has been good for the mind. Swirling my imagination in every which direction. Giving me fuel to write myself. It is one of the only things that keeps me writing.

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 And so… I just had to say that not all stories have happy endings. And that’s difficult to accept because we all want happy endings. Hence the reason the movie version of this book just had to take the extra five minutes to provide closure. To give you what you wanted. But is that honest? Is life really full of all happy endings? No. And that’s why I kind of loved this book. The main character Sutter Keely was the most tragic character. In the end he felt he was this certain type of person and he loved this girl, but he wanted what was best for her. And it wasn’t him. As much as you wanted it to be him, you know it wasn’t. But you admire him for doing all he did for her anyway.

This is all just to say that the next time you review something take a second to think about the story. Did you not like it because it was poorly told. Or did you not like it because it didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to?

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